pregnancy...again... again

So. I'm pregnant.

I have to admit. In the past, I was a giant brat when I was pregnant. I complained all day about every little thing. I have no compulsion to tell the Internet my every pain right now. Maybe because I am 27 and have grown up a little bit? Maybe because so far the nausea has been mild. Or because I am too busy and tired to think about it? Probably all three.

Husbandface and I are in counseling. And working on us. Its been good. Sharing life with another person who has different opinions on almost everything is hard.

My doctor has officially scared the crap out of me. As I have never had a baby in Washington before, I went to my primary care physician to get a referral. She gave me the number to a midwife group at a nice hospital and as I was walking away said, "It is probably twins."

twins. TWINS.. OMG!

Well. I have an appointment with a home birth midwife on Monday. We shall see how that goes. :)

So.. blog friends...

Here we go again

him

He comes home from work. Hours after dark. The kids have been asking when he would be home. "I don't know." I tell them. Because I never know. He doesn't communicate anything with me. If I text or call while he is at work he gets annoyed. "I'm working," is what he will answer with. He doesn't say hello or acknowledge I am there. He goes straight to the mail and starts asking me why I didn't do this or that or pay this.

He is such a hippocrite.

He makes me sad.

Three or four times over his two week winter vacation from work, I went over to a friend's house to watch silly T.V. shows and have a good time. Because he no longer makes me laugh. He watches serious shows that really do not interest me. I like to laugh. So I went to a friend's house and stayed out very late.

On New Year's Eve he was angry. He said I don't seem to care for my family. I don't like my kids. Because I went out while he was at home on vacation. Because I thought him being home meant the kids had their dad, and I could go laugh. No. I am a terrible mom and a terrible human being because I didn't stay home and stare at him on his laptop. Or watch Dexter with him. Dexter is creepy. Especially on our giant HDTV.

I do EVERYTHING for this family. I am the only one who does.

Seven years ago, he was all I wanted. And now he only makes me sad. Nothing I do is good enough for him. Now I don't know what I want anymore.

I do know one thing. I love me. I am a caring person. And I do not deserve to be put down everyday for stupid little things that do not matter. 

When will my life begin?

good bye 2011

Happy Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Winter Solstice. Happy New Year.

Merry Everything.

Blessed be you as I have been.

Biting

9:14 a.m. and I have already been bit on the thigh by my almost-three-year-old. Ouch.

I put him in time-out. And he laughs. He laughs at his punishment.

I am completely frustrated. I can't help but think, "what would my mom have done?" She would have smacked my bottom. In the past I have spanked, but I can't do it anymore. I always feel terrible afterwards.

So what am I supposed to do? Biting back feels wrong.

So sick of being bit. Ugh.

Consul 1

I am sitting in a room that has a small table, a few chairs and a phone. The sign above it says consul 1. I am full of anxiety. My Eric. My precious wild boy.

The surgeon already came in to told me Eric did great. I think this waiting in silence is the hardest part.

In the "induction" room I helped him put his gown on, I held his hand. I watched his beautiful eyes close in sleep just as they did 8 years ago when he was my baby.

And he will always be my baby. And he will be fine.

They removed a preauricular pit. A totally common occurance.

I am going to baby the hell out of him.