Today was another bad day for me. I had therapy and took Eric to the eye doctor. Then I came home to find a note from child protective services on my door. Why the hell were they visiting my house? I called and emailed and have had no reply.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am all sorts of emotions I am not a good enough writer to describe right now.

The only thing that comes to mind is an incident with my mom's club that happened a few weeks back. They asked me not to bring Eric to meetings anymore because he is inappropriate. Eric is my child so I quit the group. No one emailed or called to ask me why I left. No one cared. I was extremely sad because I thought those girls were my friends. They were not.

When I asked them to help me move, they all said no. Real friends help you move. Real friends wouldn't ask you not to bring your child to meetings anymore. Real friends wouldn't throw you in the dirt like a rotten piece of fruit.

Oh my god.

Now that we are home and safe I can tell the story.

Around 4 I decided that we needed to get out of the house. So I put the kids in the stroller and walked to the library. One of my best friends called to chat and I hadn't talked to her in a long time so I stayed on the phone while walking. We got to a stop light and I stopped and pushed the button to cross. Then it all happened so quickly.

Someone honked and Lily screamed out. I looked at Lily and she wasn't in the stroller. Somehow her seat belt was unhooked and she was on the sidewalk rolling towards a busy street. "OH MY GOD!" I screamed hung up the phone and grabbed her. She stopped crying and seemed perfectly okay. Thank god that lady honked before Lily reached the busy street. She doesn't have a scratch on her.

With my dumb depression I seem to take it for granted that I have two very healthy children who are alive. I love them so much. They are my life.

"Mom do you know about Tom Waits?"

"What about Tom Waits?"

"Why does he play songs?"

"I don't know."

"I'm Luke Skywalker, I met Tom Waits a long time ago."

"In a galaxy far, far away?"

"Yeah."

While in the tub:

"Eric quit splashing! God!"

"Valeta, I'm just kidding. God!"

Yesterday I met with a new therapist. Yesterday was a pretty good day.

Monday was a terrible day. Husband and I got into the biggest fight of our relationship. We did make up and are happy lala now. But still, Monday sucked.

Depression sucks. It sucks for my family and for me. Sometimes I feel so utterly alone even though I have two little children who need and love me so much.

My daughter is five months old and I am just now starting to enjoy her. At first she would cry for hours and her brother would want my attention and I would resent her for taking up so much of my time. Now I sit in my chair and nurse her with her tiny fist wrapped around my index finger and am in heaven.

I don't know if its the zoloft, or the amount of time that has passed or coming to terms with the fact that I do have PPD but I am starting to get better. If anyone ever feels similar to the way I have felt, I hope they have the courage to get help.

"Mommy why do you have hair where boys have penises?"

"When you start to turn into a grown up you grow hair on your privates, arm pits and legs."

"Daddy said you have to drink beer to grow hair. I'm gonna drink beer when I am a grown up and grow hair."

"That is awesome."

I think its funny that now-a-days parents seem to trust their doctors completely. Doctors do not know everything. Usually they are out to make money and trust whatever the hell the drug companies tell them. Well, I do not trust drug companies. Some doctors are quacks. What do they call a doctor who graduated the last in his class? A DOCTOR!

The pediatrician I have been taking my children to since I moved to California seems really old fashioned. Told me to starts solids with Lily at 4 months and Lily didn't seem to want them. She also told me Lily was fat. So just like all advice that goes along with parenting I take hers with a grain of salt. Of course a doctor's opinion is more likely to be useful then some random mom giving you advice because she has read a few parenting books. But no doctors do not always know what is right for my children.

Being a parent is hard. You just have to try your best.

Last week was a really bad week for me. Lets just say I have learned my lesson. Do not let people in your life until you are ready to be judged harshly.

I was kicked out of my "mom's club" because they do not want their children around Eric anymore. He was talking about death and showed some kid his butt. I didn't think it was a big deal the day it happened, I mean the kids mom should have told me exactly what happened if it was a big deal so I could talk to Eric about it. Then two days after the event the "leader" called to tell me something is wrong with my son, he needs help. Blah blah blah.

To be a mom is to be judged. In my opinion we all just try our best to raise happy, healthy children and that is life. I never try to judge anyone in this way because I had the worst parents imaginable and if I can just do a better job then them, then I have done my job.

Last night we went out for sushi for dinner. We sat at the sushi boat bar thing because Eric loves to grab his own food. Well we were just eating and Eric bursts out humming the Star Wars theme song. Next to me is a couple on a date. The guy was plain and the girl was extremely good looking. The girl says to me, "You have him started early! Star Wars is such a good film!" The guy looks slightly confused. The girl starts talking about Star Wars and the guy is acting like he has never heard of it.

Someone didn't get any last night.

I'm so proud of Eric. :D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valletta

While playing with the baby:

"If you are bugging my Loolie then you're a bad guy. Bad guys bug my Loolie. Are you bugging my Loolie?"

Awww, he loves her.

God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. - Mother Theresa

I consider myself agnostic but I think that this quote could do us all some good. What is life if you do not try?

Try what? I guess it doesn't really matter. Try to be good. Try to be kind. Try to challenge yourself. Try new things. Try green tea.

I hope everyone tries something wonderful in this new year.

Today I finally got internet access in my new house.

I have so much to say and not enough energy to type it. Moving sucks. My son and I are both currently sick.

How Ive missed you internet.