Housing in the San Francisco Bay Area is crazy. This is my neighbor's house. Go laugh at it. Hehe. I sure did.

There is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. After being rejected by so many people who I thought were friends, I was so depressed. But I am learning to let it go. It is obviously a challenge to be my friend. I'm needy and bitchy. I'm oversensitive and weird. But I am who I am. I cannot be anyone besides myself. If someone doesn't understand that then we just cannot be in each others lives.

I hope that all those people, who I guess I can call my "former friends" have luck, happiness and love in their lives.

But I do know this. I am a good person. I am not (as I have been called on comments on my old blog) an "evil" person. I do not hurt anyone. I do not steal(on purpose). I am raising my two wonderful children do the best of my ability and that is all anyone can do.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

So today I am making an effort not to feel sorry for myself. Today will be a wonderful day. Its Friday after all!

Me and the kids took the car to get the tire fixed and while we were waiting we walked over to a donut shop. I figured we could have sugar because we had already eaten breakfast. In the donut shop everyone oohed and aahed over Lily. She was all smiles. Eric had to tell them all about her.

"This is my sister Lily and she has the same name as Harry Potter's mommy. She is 10 months old. And I got 5 so fast!"

I don't know who told him he got 5 so fast, but he tells everyone that and I think its adorable.

Although sometimes, he just talks and talk and talks. And it is really annoying. I know I do that. I am annoying. He is just like me. I love us.

Its not even noon yet and today is turning out to be a shitty fucking day. Literally, a shitty day.

Lily rubbed shit all over her body and carpet. I should have changed her diaper but I didn't know she had pooped, I was just getting dressed.

Decided to get out of the house and away from all the banging and go to the zoo. Eric is all excited to see animals. We get into the car. We have a flat tire. Do I know how to fix a flat tire? No. Do I have any help what-so-fucking ever? No.

Husband is at work until 8. Besides walking to the park I really don't have anywhere else to go. Lets hope Lily can stay asleep with all this noise of these guys working on the house.

I am so stressed. Ugh. I really really really hate this feeling. I just want to cry.

updated to add:

Sure I could take the bus to the zoo but if it takes 30 minutes to drive there, how long would it take on a bus? With two kids? Do I really want to drive myself crazy?

Pregnancy has made me a crazy person. Or maybe I have always been crazy but I am just now noticing it.

Our playgroup had a play date at a gymnastics place today. We showed up 15 minutes early and so I walked in hoping it would be cooler in the place then in my car.

The front desk girl says, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I am meeting my playgroup here."

Another lady walks in, starts turning on lights and looking important. Has a conversation with the front desk girl that I don't quite catch but they pretend I am not there.

Then she looks at me and has a weird :/ look on her face and says, "Oh yeah, you are not supposed to be here until 11."

Maybe its the hormones, maybe I am just a fucking bitch. But I kind of wanted to punch her in the face.

You would think that she would be here more then 15 minutes early to prepare for a group of 25+ kids, but no she had just arrived.

I took my kids out to the car and waited 15 minutes. Eric cried the whole time. Finally other moms started showing up and I went inside and the kids had a great time.

I told the organizer of my group what happened and after her reaction I think maybe it was me and not them. Maybe I took their reactions the wrong way. In my opinion, 15 minutes early isn't too early though.

I am super stressed because the HOA has the guys working and painting our house today and they started hammering at 8 a.m. Yesterday Lily didn't get her afternoon nap because they were working on the neighbors house.

So I went to the doctor today and got an ultrasound. I go to an OB/GYN practice that has three midwives also.

Today I saw a doctor and on my ultrasound she could only make out a tiny little yolk sac. She guessed I am about 5 or 6 weeks pregnant because she couldn't get a clear enough picture to measure it or see the heartbeat. She says there is definitely a pregnancy and I shouldn't be worried.

But I am totally worried. How did I get a positive pregnancy test when I was only a week or two pregnant? Is that possible? Maybe it stopped growing at 5 weeks and my body just hasn't expelled it yet? :((((

I go back next week for another ultrasound. I really really hope everything is okay.

If you are a perv like me and you need a good laugh go watch this. I wouldn't watch it with your kids on your lap or anything. I can't wait for Spore!

During dinner:

Husband, "If its a boy can we name it Jesus."

Me, "Maybe Haysoos."

"How about Genghis?"

"After Genghis Khan?"

"No, after some guy named Genghis."

"We should name him Jabba."

"Thats not even a real name"

"Yes huh."

"How about Franklin?"

"I am not naming my baby after a fucking turtle."

"There is a turtle named Franklin?"

The more and more I read about birth in the United States I want to have a home birth.

I just read this and I'm not shocked. Not after watching a film and reading a few books.

When I told my Grandma I was pregnant she already had some names picked out for my new baby. Isn't that nice of her?

Her name is Bonnie. As is my husband's deceased mother. So my grandma says to me the other day on the phone: (big sigh) "Your aunt Debbie promised to name her next baby after me. Then she had 8 miscarriages and never had another baby. " (another big sigh) "Now I'll never have a baby named after me."

I love the idea of naming kids after loved ones. Eric is named after his dad's best friend who past away just before I got pregnant and my dead cousin. I just don't like the sound of "Bonnie Brown." Besides, Husband's cousin was named Bonnie after his mom.

And what if I have a boy? I can't name him Bonnie, geeze.

Eric says I am having a boy and we should name him Deric. Haha.

I will change my mind a million times before February anyway.

Lily did not go to sleep until 3:30. She usually falls asleep between 1:30 and 2. For two hours I rocked her, nursed her, bounced her, sang to her. Nothing was working. Finally she just fell asleep crying in my arms. Poor little girl. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She was dry and she didn't seem to be teething. Sometimes babies are big mysteries. I am just thankful she is getting some rest now.

I still appear to be preggers. I have been crampy though.

Eric had some very bad behavior over the weekend. He has been great today though. He wants to play candyland so I'm off.

I must be preggers. I have been exhausted this past week. Does each pregnancy just become more and more exhausting?

Yesterday I was cramping a bit. No spotting or anything though. And I was wearing capris that are a little too tight though. I want to cut the top off and try and turn them into maternity capris. Being pregnant in the winter is going to cost more. Last pregnancy I got away with wearing lots of dresses. I only own 1 pair of decent maternity jeans. Maybe old navy will have a maternity sale?

So I'm pregnant. Again. I'm not sure what to say about it. I am thrilled. Husband is happy but worried (about money, as usual). We weren't trying to get pregnant. We didn't use birth control either. Its a lucky surprise!

I will update about the pregnancy after I go to the doctor/midwife.

Last night after the kidlets went to bed husbandface and I stayed up and watched this movie called teeth. Its about this teenage girl who has teeth in her vagina. When she gets raped she bites off the guys weiner. She bites off the OB/GYN's fingers. She is awesome. Can you imagine that power? You wouldn't worry about getting raped, you'd just bite off their weiner.

I had dreams of getting revenge on every male who has ever hurt me. Mwahahaha.

So the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me since I became a parent happened in Phoenix.

We went to a water park place with Mel and her kids. Lily had a swim diaper on. After being there for a few hours we walk to the bathroom. I didn't get my stroller out of the car so I just carry Lily on my hip. We get to the bathroom, I put her on the changing table and notice she pooped. So I clean her up and get her in dry clothes. Put her on the other hip because it hurts and look down at myself. I am covered in liquid poop. I mean you cant tell unless you really look. But yes, she got poop all over my white skirt.

I didn't bring a change of clothes. I had to drive the hour to my grandma's house smelling like shit. It was the most disgusting thing ever. I was so embarrassed. Good thing I was there with Mel. Anyone else wouldn't have understood. These things happen.

My little monster is officially enrolled in kindergarten. He starts August 25th. He was so excited and cute at the school this morning. Then he told some lady, "I'm almost in high school." Little does he know how long it will feel until High School. I remember thinking, ugh I will never be a teenager. And now time seems to go by way too fast.

Didn't I just turn 18? Wait, am I really 23? What the hell?

More about my night where I got hit on by an old drunk marine:

We went to a bar called "Fat Tuesday." They serve these slushie things. Husband would have called it a girly bar. But I did him proud, I had hardly any girly drinks. I sent him many drunken texts.

So Melanie and me are dancing while her boyfriend and her friend are sitting on these couches. Then this guy who seems to be older then my dad walks over and asks me what my name is. I say "Valeta." He says, "Budeeda?" I shrug and say, "close enough." and keep dancing with my bff. Then he pushes us apart and says, "My name is Tim." Then he tries to pull me over to dance with him. I flash him my wedding ring. He ignores it.

I go and sit by Melly's boyfriend hoping he will save me. Our old drunken marine starts talking to Mel. He says, " I was a marine. I got shot last year. But I didn't die." There is silence for a few moments. Then he says, "I just want to tell you a little but about me." I laugh really loud. I am so mean. He asks me to teach him to dance. I tell him I am married. Then he pouts and walks away. I am a jerk and laugh obnoxiously.

Soon after that we went home. Mel's boyfriend and her friend mostly just sat there boring all night. And the DJ was playing crap music. Of course he starts to play stuff I like just as we are about to leave.

I was so tired the next day. But Lily is worth it.

So on Saturday the 24th I packed up my car and drove most of the day to Eric's grandma's house. As soon as I showed up Eric started acting up. Supposedly he was a perfect angel the whole week before that. (yeah right.) We spent the night there and then drove most of the next day finally arriving at my grandma's house in Buckeye, AZ.

Grandma's house is really old and so I didn't get to rest for a minute. Always making sure Lily wasn't killing herself with anything. Eric was so disrespectful to my grandma, I was so disappointed. My grandma is really old fashioned and she was shocked at his behavior. He was in time out a lot. I was stressed over it all.

Monday started out great. I hung out with my cousin and his wife and five kids for a while. I wish I could see them all the time, they are great. Then I drove over to where my mom is staying. Of course I felt totally unwelcome. I tried to get my brother to go get some ice cream with me and the kids. He wouldn't. So after that I just went back to Grandma's. Then on Tuesday Grandma was gone all day, I was alone with my kids at her house. I could have been alone all day at home, and less stressed out because my house doesn't have scary things in it.None of my friends could hang out with me. It really bummed me out. Especially my friends who stay home like I do. I felt so low. Like why the hell did I even go out there? No one wanted to hang out after saying they would.

Wednesday was a lot better. I hung out with my friend Melanie and her kids. Her son is a month younger then Eric. We hung out at her place for a while then went to a mall. Some kid slapped Eric so he pushed them. Then the kids mom tried yelling at Eric. So I whipped out the trailer trash Valeta and ran over there and yelled at her. So we ate lunch and then let the kids play at the park for a while.

Thursday Grandma made us drive around all day and visit all the family we could. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins I never met before. That was a tiring day, and Lily hated being put in the car 5 different times. Eric had a lot of fun though.

Friday was the day I had waited for all week. Mom came and helped Grandma with the kids while I got to go out with Melanie and be a grown-up. We got manicures. We went to TGI Fridays. And we went to a club and got hit on by an old drunk marine. I didn't get any sleep that night because I got home at 3 and Lily woke up at 5. But it was SO worth it!

Saturday Mel and I took our boys to an awesome park near Surprise, AZ. I got an awesome sunburn. It was 105 degrees (according to my car) when we drove home.

Then Sunday I drove all day until around 8 when we stopped at a Best Western. Eric loved staying in a room we had never been in before. He loved getting ice out of the ice machine. I loved getting some time to relax after not being able to let Lily just crawl around for a week.

We left at 7:30 the next morning and were home by noon yesterday. Husband was so happy to see us. We were happy to be home. Now I have tons of laundry to do and birthday presents to show Eric how to play with.

I'm home! Long story about muh white trash vacation coming soon!