Small wonderful things for February:

Gamma's first cry. 

Lily asking for "Mama."

A kiss from Husband immediately after Gamma's birth.

New baby smell.

A card made by Eric.

So, the jealously has begun. Before Gamma was born, Husband was Lily's favorite. If he was home she followed him around. She ran to him when she was hurt. She was a daddy's girl. Now that I have brought home a new person she has to share me with she prefers me. She wakes up and says, "Mama?" She cries, "noooo!" when I sit down to nurse.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk, one handed typing, nursing, drinking coffee. Lily was fed and changed. But she wanted my attention. So she came over to me and hit Gamma on the head. (thankfully he slept through it.) We have never hit her so I have no idea where this is coming from. Then later on in the afternoon Gamma was sleeping in his bouncer and she went over and hit his legs. 

I knew she would be jealous. She is only 18 months old, after all. So whenever Gamma is napping I play with her or involve her in whatever I am doing. She loves to help put away the dishes. She hands me one dish at a time. It takes forever to put them away, but Lily enjoys it. When he is nursing I talk to her. 

Since this is my last baby, and my third, I'm not letting the little things that normally would make me cry bother me. I honestly have never been happier.  

Today Gamma is a week old. He is doing well. I took him to the doctor and he has gained all 11 oz that he lost after his birth. Everyone keeps saying how much he looks like Lily. Heh. 

Eric and Lily just adore him. So far I think they are adjusting well. Husband has been helping me get as much sleep as he can. 

Crap, Gamma just woke up. Duty calls.

On Monday February 16th we took our kids to my awesome friend J's house around 7:30p.m. They were excited but managed to go to sleep at a decent hour. They would be spending the night and next day with J while I went for my induction. After weeks and weeks of contractions doing nothing my midwife suggested induction and I totally agreed.

Around 10:30 p.m. I called the hospital to make sure they had room for me. They did and we showed up right on time at 11:30 p.m. Like every night I was having contractions, they were annoying but my cervix was still only a fingertip dilated and 80% effaced. They started my induction by placing a pill just inside my cervix to make it ripen. A few hours later, my contractions had picked up but my cervix had made no change. My contractions were too strong to have another dose of the cervix ripening medication so they started pitocin. That was the same thing that happened at Lily's birth.

The pitocin made the contractions become closer together and more severe. I knew once they started pitocin I would end up getting an epidural. Same thing happened when I had Lily. So I'll never have an "all natural" childbirth. I'm okay with that this time. After I had Lily I was extremely disappointed in myself. 

So after hours and hours of labor my cervix still had done nothing. My midwife said there was still a lot of scar tissue on it because of a procedure I had in 2004 to freeze some precancerous cells off of it. My midwife massaged my cervix to try to break up the scar tissue. It hurt. A lot. Contractions kept coming. They hurt. A lot. So I finally got my epidural.

Then my water broke. It was wet and gross. But it was progress! At noon midwife tried massaging my cervix again and it broke up and I dilated to 6 during one contraction. Over the next 4 hours I slowly dilated to 9. while I was at 8 and 9 I felt and intense urge to push. The epidural I had wasn't like the ones I have had previously. I was numb but I could still feel all the pressure. My nurses kept asking me not to push but I couldn't really help it. 

Suddenly during one contraction It felt like my butt was going to explode. I started yelling "I have to push! I have to push!" Just like the women on T.V. Heh. After that it all went very very fast. My midwife got there as fast as she could. She helped my cervix open to 10 and I started pushing. I pushed when they told me to as hard as I could. Husband was great and held my leg and kept telling me to push. 

Gamma's head started to emerge but his hand was near his face. He had tried to come out arm first. They had to reach inside me and move his arm. I pushed for a total of 4 contractions and he was out. At 4:23 P.M. on his due date, February 17th 2009. He had his cord wrapped around his neck (just like Lily) and his arm. They laid him on my tummy. He was purple and not crying. What seemed like a million nurses and doctors rushed in and rubbed him and suctioned him and soon he started to cry and turn pink. 

I cried. A doctor from the NICU came by and checked him and told me he was fine. He just had a rough start. He has no damage to his shoulder either. He was 7lbs 12 oz. 20 inches long. 

Soon I got to hold him and he latched right on my breast perfectly, unlike my other two babies. I am so happy. After I had Lily I felt like I was in the dark and It took me a while to like her. This time I feel bright and shiney. I am exhausted (of course) but we are all happy. 

Had Gamma Dylan on his due date. 4:23 P.M. Will write birth story when I can. 

I feel a million times better then after I had Lily. 

39 weeks 6 days, compared. 

Well lets face it. I am a miserable pregnant lady. I whine and complain and blah blah blah. This morning I noticed red colored stretch marks next to my belly button. I have never had any before so I always thought they wouldn't bother me if I ever got any. They totally suck. I hate them. 

My due date is in two days and I am scheduled to go in to be induced tomorrow night. Looks like baby number three may be born on his due date. 

I am excited to meet him and complete our family. I am truly blessed to have my children and my husband in my life. Despite everything, I know how lucky I am. 

Last year for Valentine's day I got husband a silly crochet heart for his desk. This year I got the kids little gift bags. New pencils and a notebook for Eric and a silly cone shaped purse for Lily. I got husband a card and wrote cheesy lovey dovey stuff in it, but I was hoping I would have a newborn baby to hand to him and say "Here is your Valentine!" Heh. It doesn't really look like I will get to do that. So no gift for him. Holidays aren't really a big deal to him, he doesn't really care. He never gets me anything. I love holidays and I always try to at least make them special for the kids.

Eric made a Valentine's day card for me at school and it is the best Valentine I have ever gotten! Heh.  It says, "Happy VALentine's Day! I lov You! Lov Eric!" I especially love every exclamation point. He gave it to me today after school and I melted all over the dining room floor. 

My due date is 6 days away. Everyone I know who is due the same week already has a baby. I am only having contractions that wont do anything. No progress in 3 weeks. Just like when I was pregnant with Lily. And just like when I was pregnant with Lily my doctor wont do anything about it until I am over due. So I have to be in pain. For who knows how long because they wont schedule my induction. After my midwife promised to induce me at 39 weeks, the OB wouldn't let her. Why the fuck would you promise a depressed pregnant woman something you cannot deliver?

I was put in the hospital last week. I was told to see a therapist. I went to my therapy appointment and my therapist wasn't around 20 minutes after my scheduled appointment. So I came home to my kids.

My original due date was February 5th. I honestly thought I'd have a baby that week. They measured him by ultrasound very early on and changed my due date to the 17th.

Last night at one point when I laid in bed yelling out in pain husband came upstairs and asked me if I was being murdered by monsters. No, just the "monster" he put inside me. 

I just want to know, what the fuck did I do in my life to deserve all of this? Why does life hate me? 

My mom has been here since Friday but is leaving tomorrow. She has been super helpful this time around. I begged her to stay another week and she wont. Just like my whole life, she only half cares. 

If only I wasn't too scared to try castor oil. Which my midwife said I could if I wanted. 

Right now is the first time I have been awake and alone since Tuesday afternoon. I don't really think I can go into everything I have been through. I would never re-live this week if I had to again. I just want to say I am still alive. Husband has been awesome. And I am getting help. 

There is nothing that can make you feel more crazy then having to have a security guard escort you every time you pee. When you are 38 weeks pregnant and pee every five seconds. Well, maybe there are things that can make you feel more crazy, but I have yet to experience them. 

I don't really know what else to say. 

So freaking true. Heh. 

Something positive -

It's finally February! The baby HAS to come out this month. Yay.

We are all so excited the meet the fifth member of our family.

I woke up today feeling very optimistic. All the back pain, not being able to breathe and everything is so going to be worth it. 

I made the kids pancakes for breakfast and I intend to clean as much as I can today so I can rest all week to get ready for the new baby.