this is goodbye to California. goodbye to the sun. goodbye to the over-prices San Francisco bay area. goodbye to in-and-out. goodbye to (a few) friends. goodbye to the only house my two younger children remember. goodbye to the state my last two babies were born in. goodbye to the place I married husbandface.

Hello to the rain. hello to better schools. hello to new beginnings. hello to starting over. hello to nice houses in nice neighborhoods we can afford. hello to a new adventure.

(my shift button wont work. so sorry I can't seem to capitalize letters. heh.)

The evolution of my birthday gifts from Husband:

1st birthday (when we were dating): Tickets to a concert to a band I freaking love and he hates.

2nd birthday 1st (after we got married): a pink acoustic guitar

3rd birthday (the day after I GAVE BIRTH to our only daughter): our daughter.

4th birthday: he let me touch his Iphone.(and promised to buy me one. Which he did. A MONTH LATER.) And took me to the worst mexican restaurant in the world.

5th birthday: he left me alone in the middle of downtown Seattle because I wanted to eat Mexican food and he wanted pizza. Then he made me some pasta for dinner.

I fear what will happen next August. And yes, I probably am a selfish bitch. But I think people deserve at least a card or a flower or ANYFUCKINGTHING on their birthdays.

The best idea in the world: start small.

When I took Eric to the specialist on Monday, one of the things she told me was to "start small." Make small goals Eric WILL be able to accomplish. And reward him for it. I had never thought about it before, but the goals we had been setting for him were way too big. example: Follow your teacher's directions at school all week. It never happened. We were setting ourselves up for failure and negativity at the end of the week. Every week.

So this week we started small. And not only is Eric working on this goal. We have Lily doing it also. This week's goal was to stay seated during dinner. Lily likes to climb on the table to grab other people's food. Eric gets distracted by EVERYTHING and gets out of his chair over and over and over. It is so annoying when we are all trying to have a nice dinner.

So when dinner is ready every night we tell the kids "Remember our goal. Stay seated until dinner is over." If they accomplish the goal they get a sticker on the calendar. So far Eric has two stickers. He has to earn three in order to get to go on an outing alone with me. Tonight is his last try to get to earn that. Eric is so easily distracted that even though we talk about our goal RIGHT before dinner he still got up and did something else during dinner on two nights this week. But, he did stay seated for two nights. And earned stickers. I do not expect him to be perfect. I expect him to try. And he is. And it seems to be working.

Yesterday I took Eric to a developmental specialist. It went well. I still have no clear diagnosis but he has symptoms of ADHD and ODD. I had never heard of ODD before. I learned so much. She is sending me some letters to our new apartment in Washington. And she has told me what I need to do to get help.

Finally, I found someone to help my Eric. I wish I would have found her two years ago. My pediatrician was no help. I had to go to a new one. You think I would have known that already because I am obsessed with discovery health's show "mystery diagnosis." But its not like Eric is sick. It is his behavior that worries me.

Right now after talking with that doctor yesterday I have renewed inspiration. We are starting small. We are staying positive. Eric will be a successful human being.

Yesterday was Gamma's seventh month birthday. I love him. Some of his many nicknames are: gooby, bubby, bubber, gammer, gammy, butternut bubber cakes. He is just the happiest little guy I have ever met. Most of the time. He still cries whenever he is frustrated. Or if he wants to.

I am still breastfeeding him. He is old enough now that I get a lot of "You're still breastfeeding?" I got the same reaction with Lily. I wish that people weren't so scared of boobs. Boobs are awesome. Breastfeeding is one of the best things you can do for your baby. In my opinion.

He weighs 19 lbs. He is heavy. The other day I took him to the vet with me and I carried him in his car seat to the door. I set him down so I could open the door. A woman tried to help me but she was elderly and she could not lift Gamma up. He was too heavy. I felt strong. I lift him everyday. All the time.

It is true, they grow up too fast. My last baby is no longer a tiny fragile thing, he is a big squashy excited ball of giggles.

I feel like lately, all I do is talk/blog about is Lily. But she is at the age where everything she says or does is hilarious or extremely cute. And gosh darn it, she is adorable. I made her myself.

She loves Moo. She often acts like Moo. She begs for Moo's treats. She always wants to know where Moo is. Its the first question she asks when she wakes up after she figures out where Eric is. A couple times she has laid on the floor in front of Moo's water bowl and licked herself a doggy-like drink. Then she gets up and yells, "I FUNNY!" Husband and I laugh and tell her no. That is not for Lilies. That is for doggies. She will say, "I lickin'!" And we giggle some more.

Just now Lily and I took Moo down to this grassy area on our street to go potty. When we got there Lily and Moo ran around like crazies. Then Moo found water in the ditch and started drinking. So what does my sweet, precious two year old girl do? She LAYS down in the dirty ditch water and gets a drink. EWWWW. Getting mud and water and who knows what else on her Mickey mouse shirt and all over her jeans. Not to mention her WHITE shoes. Why did I buy a two year old WHITE shoes? Because I am insane, that is the only explanation.

My chosen costumes for my children this year.

Yesterday I forgot to take my medication. I usually take it at 7:30 every morning. A long with my prenatal vitamin and coffee. I didn't wake up until 7:30 yesterday. I forgot.

My mom was angry at me for going on anti depressants. She said they "change your brain." They are not good. After going on and off them since Lily was born I have come to realize that I really do need them.

So yesterday, Husband woke up grumpy because he didn't get to sleep until noon. He had to get up and watch the babies while Eric and I took Moo to puppy class. Then I took Eric to buy new shoes because the ones he had you could see his big toe through. And I love shopping, so I was in a GREAT mood when we got home. Husband wasn't. He was complaining about everything. I can't even remember what, but I remember feeling like I wanted to run away. So he said something to me. I got angry. I yelled. I kicked Gamma's excersaucer across the room. Lily began to cry. Husband told me to "Get the fuck out of his house."

So I did. I walked around for a while. I realized I was being irrational. I sat down and hugged my knees and ran my hands through my hair. What was wrong with me? Why was I so angry? Then I remembered I had forgotten my meds. Oh yeah. So I went back home and took them.

Husband came over to me and hugged me. He didn't day anything. Then he looked me in the eye and said, "Sometimes I forget that before we had kids, it was just me and you." And he apologized. He told me the reason he told me to leave was so that I would calm down. It worked. I cried. He NEVER apologizes. Sometimes I feel so very unloved. But yesterday I looked around and everyone in this house loves me. And I love them.

Moving has me extremely busy. During nap time I always have something to pack or clean.

My six month old Gamma is crawling. In fact he is chewing on my toe right now because he crawled across the living room to get to me.

Life is happening. Life is now. In the past, when I am feeling sad, I always thinking about the next "thing". Like my mom coming to visit, our vacation, a baby's birth. I think about how great it will be when whatever the next "thing" is happens. Its like I can never enjoy what is happening now. But not today. Gamma is crawling. Lily is adorable. Eric is reading. Moo is huge. 18lbs of baby dog! Today is her second puppy class.

And because I have SO much time, I have been crocheting hats for everyone and their mama. It is my intention to give them out as x-mas gifts. And I have to plan Halloween costumes for the kids. Eric doesn't want anyone to match and I am okay with that.

Now Gamma has crawled to the xbox. He is just like his daddy.

Lily really missed Eric while he was gone. She wants to know where he is and what he is doing at all times. If he is doing something she wants to be doing it to. If he is eating or drinking, Lily wants some too. It is so adorable and cute I could explode.

We have a small lake near our house and we walk there every day with Moo. Today as we walked near a little grassy area Eric runs over and yells, "I FORGOT ABOUT THE GRASS!! I LOVE GRASS! I LOVE GRASS!" waving his arms around and jumping. A few minutes later up runs Lily, "I WUV GASS! I WUV GASS!" I couldn't help but crack up. They were both wearing some ear-flap hats I have recently made them. Then they both rolled in the grass. You know, the grass that dogs pee and poo in every day. Needless to say, the kids got a bath this evening. Yuck.

Yesterday morning I took Eric and Moo to petsmart for Moo's first puppy class. I couldn't wait for this because Moo's behavior has been awful recently. There were about 15 dogs in this class, all different breeds. Some dogs barked. Some dogs wagged their tails excitedly at other dogs. But my half pit bull monster dog was a gigantic coward. The whole class she shivered between my legs like a scared child.

I'm still working on potty training. She will go in the house if we are not watching, so we have to watch her constantly or have her in her kennel.

Me: "Gamma, you are filthy!"
Lily: "I fiwfy too!"


Eric: "When I grow up I am going to have 6 babies and however many babies my wife wants."
Me: "Really? Wow. Do I get to take care of your babies?"
Eric: "yes."
Me: "Will you name one after me?"
Eric: "I will name one your nickname, Jeannie."

Lily: "Waaaaaaaa. Bubublabua."
Me: "Lily, What's wrong?"
Lily: "Shoe bwoken! Shoe bwoken!" (Her shoe fell off her foot.)

When I was 9 I used to put money in my mouth. One time my mom was driving me to school and I had a quarter in my mouth. A school bus stopped in front of us and my mom slammed on the brakes. The quarter went down my throat. It hurt. Mom took me to the ER. Then I was xrayed every day for a week until the quarter came out the other end. I don't put money in my mouth anymore. I don't let my children do so either.

My mom only took me to the doctor as a child went it was an emergency. The dentist only when I had a tooth ache. My teeth are terrible because I didn't brush them as a child. I didn't get glasses until I was 10. I didn't know I couldn't see. I thought the world was blurry to everyone. I was amazed the first day I wore glasses all the things in the world I was missing out on. Like all the roaches in our house.

I change all of our sheets on Sundays. Unless Eric wets the bed or Gamma barfs, then I do it more often. When I was a kid I was lucky if my sheets were cleaned one a month when my grandma cleaned our house. Last night I was laying on my clean sheets listening to Gamma snore loudly in his crib and I was remembered the filth I grew up in. My house is never spotless but I clean everyday. Sometimes I feel like all I do is clean. I am trying my best. I love my kids.