Lily likes to walk around and tell everything it is pretty. "You pretty mom. You pretty dad. Pretty couch. Pretty rope. Pretty legos. Pretty Eric."

Gamma likes to crawl to me when I am in my pajamas and pull my pajama pants down.

Eric likes to tell me fantastic stories that involve ghostbusters, dragons, castles, jedis and santa claus.

Things that are funny and cute.

Eric asks a lot of questions about death and Jesus. And sometimes I don't know how to answer him. Because I don't know myself. Was Jesus real? Is there really a Heaven. I don't know honey, if I knew I would tell you.

Lily has been hitting and bitting and throwing true drama queen tantrums. I sometimes have to just walk away until she calms down.

Gamma sometimes wants to be held all day and I feel like I will lose my mind.

Things that are hard and make me realize I am alive.

Its days like today that I need to work on my patience. Today the babies wouldn't nap. Today the dog pooped on the carpet. I have a gigantic zit on my chin. The dog is barking at cats in the window.

I was getting the kids ready in the morning and I couldn't find Lily's shoes. "Fuck!" I yelled. My goal this week was not to curse. "Damn it! I cussed." Lily walks over and says "damn it!" Oh god. "damn it." oh crap. I slap my hand over my mouth. "Bad mommy" Lily giggles and runs off. What a terrible example I am when I am frustrated.

It is 3:30 and I finally got the babies down for a nap. I have so many things to do I don't know where to start. Laundry. Watch one of my netflix? The dishes I didn't get to last night because the dishwasher didn't run that morning like I thought it did. Or maybe I can have a nice cup of tea and write a blog post. Yeah, that sounds good.

The first thing my kids did after I wrote a post about our routine was to change it. Gamma is giving up his morning nap. Waking up with other kids more often. I'm not really strict about our routine anyway.

So yesterday I put him in his high chair with cheerios and banana while we all ate breakfast. Gamma likes to savor his food, well either that or he is just a slow eater. I took lily in the bathroom to clean her up and brush her teeth while Gamma was still eating.

When I was done I find Gamma fast asleep in his high chair. I reclined the seat back and left him there. Didn't want a grumpy baby on my hands.

Half an hour later he wakes up and just continues eating his banana. I guess all that eating needed a nap.

Routine

My iPhone alarm goes off at 6 am. I turn it off and tip-toe to the kitchen. I start the coffee. I take Moo out to pee.

I sit in silence, drinking my coffee, reading facebook/Twitter/google reader. Around 7 I start making breakfast. Lily usually wakes up and comes out asking where everyone is. "where's ewic? Where's daddy? Where's baby?" I tell her where they all are.

I wake Eric up at 7:30 and the three of us eat together. Then I make eric's lunch. I help Eric pick his clothes out. I get lily dressed. We all walk to the bus stop.

Eric runs to his friends. I say hello to the other moms. Eric gets mad if I kiss him in front of his friends so I give him a quick hug and tell him to have a good day. He gets on the bus and lily begs to go too.

We walk home and wake up husband face. When Gamma wakes up I nurse him and lily plays with her kitchen. Husband leaves for work. I play with the babies and try to get them to nap.

Sometimes they nap at the same time. That's when I relax or play videogames.

At 3:30 we head out to the bus stop again. Eric comes home and I help him with home-work. He plays outside until husband comes home around 6:30. He makes dinner. We all eat together. Then it's baths and pajamas and books.

8:30 lily and Eric go to bed. I nurse Gamma and watch tv with husband. Around 10 I go to bed ready to do it all again the next day.

So today has been a shitty day. And I mean that literally.

Moo doesn't like rain. Which is just AWESOME because we are in WASHINGTON. She refuses to go potty outside if it is raining. She is also a dainty princess dog who wont poo when strangers are near. So she likes to sneak to the back of the house and poop where no one can see her do it. I have cleaned Moo Poo out of all the bedrooms in our apartment today.

Then because I just love stress I decided over the weekend to start potty training Lily again. She did really good yesterday. Pooped in the potty! Today, not so much. She pooed ON her bed and the bathroom floor. Not to mention she stepped on her own Poo.

If one more being poos on the floor today I will lose it!

Children

The first week we were here, a boy a few years older then Eric started picking on him. He threw his skateboard in the trash twice. I asked him to stop throwing the skateboard away.

Then last week Eric invited him over to play videogames. This boy has come over everyday since to play with Eric. They are like best friends.

I wish I could be as free as a child and forgive everyone and become best friends the next day. I love being a mom. I learn so much about life, love and patience from my children.

Watching Eric grow up. His exchanges with others. I learn from him everyday. I am looking forward to the future with my wild adventurous boy.

Prison

On October 7th my step-dad was released from prison. I was 13 years old when he was arrested. Husband asked me if I want to see him. How I feel about it. The truth is, I don't know. 12 years is a long time when you are only 25. Half of my life he's been gone. I'm an adult. I have three children.

He's not a murderer. He's a thief and a drug user. Does that make him a bad person? If your parents are bad people, are you suppossed to hate them? I don't hate my parents. I hate their drug use.

Husband talks about what it is like to grow up happy, to be a normal child. I am envious. I wish I had parents who cared. Who punished me for breaking the rules. I wish I had a better example of what it is to be a mother.

ADHD

ADHD scares me. The label. The symptoms. The drugs that are normally prescribed. My brother was diagnosed with it at Eric's age. When he was 18 he was diagnosed with scitzophrenia. That REALLY scares me. My mom doesn't worry. She just pretends everything is hunky dory.

Everything is not okay when my uncle and my brother cannot even live normal productive lives. I don't want my Eric, my first baby, to end up like that.

Eric's chances are a lot better then my brothers. He has two parents who care deeply. He has a Mom who would do anything for him, who is always around.

Growing up, I often felt so alone. Like I had no one on my side. I will make sure, no matter what Eric knows I am here for him. I don't care what happens. We are in this together. And everything WILL be okay.

Busy busy beeleta

We are in Washintgton now. So far, so good. Gamma has slept through the night three days in a row. I think it is because he is sharing a room with Lily instead of next to me in bed.

I found a wild blackberry bush next to our apartment. It still has a few berries on it and they are delicious. I grew up in Arizona so things like that are little miracles. Red leaves litter the sidewalk everywhere here. It is so beautiful. It's a little chilly. But that is why they invented boots and coats. My feet are near a heater vent at the moment.

Husband is house hunting crazy right now. Oh how I love when he gets excited about something.

I have like a million boxes to unpack and sort though. Breakfast to make. Diapers to change. Warm clothing to locate. A busy Valeta is a happy one.