I am ready for it to be spring. I'm not going to complain about the cold or the rain, it is much worse in other places. But I can't wait for some color. Some flowers. I can't wait to start my garden. I have been researching and planning. I even have a house plant that I have kept alive for a month. Go me!

I tried gardening at our old house in california. Nothing I planted ever grew. I didn't know what I was doing. But I realized I love it. I don't mind the dirt and worms. I love things that grow. I love the idea that maybe someday I will grow things we can actually eat.

My dad tells me stories of my great grandfather who HAD to garden during the great depression to survive. I wish I could have known him and learned some of his secrets to gardening. I never even met my grandfather. They both died before I was born. I think about them and I am inspired. I don't HAVE to garden, but I want to.

And he walks.


For eleven months, he has sat back and watched. As his siblings ran around and played. But this past week he has joined them. He stands on his own two wobbly legs, giggles and chases his big sister. 


I blow him kisses and he smacks his lips together trying to make a kissing sound. 


He HATES getting dressed or getting his diaper changed. He screams and cries the whole time. He is too busy trying to get somewhere to play.


He says, "mama" "dada" and, "hi." 


My third baby. Growing up faster then I can catch up with. 

just a moment

This morning it wasn't raining. It was rather nice. Eric looked out the window and asked if we could walk to school alone. I said yes, of course.

We walked and talked the whole way to school. So nice not to have a baby crying while Eric tries to talk. We talked about him possibly joining a baseball league this spring. He told me about a friend he made at school. He told me about papyrus.

When we got to school he gave me a hug and kiss and ran to the playground. I watched him for just a moment then headed home.

On the way home I looked at the sky. I saw some ivy growing up the side of a tree. For just a moment I was just a girl on a walk.

But then all the thoughts of diapers, floors that need to be mopped, babies crying and all the other things I have on my plate. I walked home faster.

Sometimes, for just a moment, I imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't kept the unplanned pregnancy that happened when I was 17. And I wouldn't change a thing. This is my life. Life is good. This is me.

He wraps his chubby fist around my middle finger. I hear his suck suck swallow as he nurses. His other hand rubs up and down my back just as I do him when I am trying to calm him. His little brown eyes study me and memorize my face. I smile. I want to remember what this was like forever. I wish I could take this moment and hang it on my wall. When he is grown and far away I will remember that he once needed me.

Every morning I hear the bang bang bang of Lily trying to open her door. She has yet to figure out how to open the doorknobs in our new house. I rush to her as fast as I can so she wont wake anyone else up. I open the door to hear "HI MOMMY! Are you awake?" We go downstairs and I give her some milk. Her hair is a wild mess. Her eyes are big and curious. I want to remember our moments alone. I feel so much quilt for having another baby when she was only 18 months old. She didn't get much time to be my baby. But she still is my baby. Though she walks and talks and is almost ready to quit diapers. I hug her close and smell her smell. My girl. My darling princess baby girl. The best girl in the whole world.

And Eric. My first baby. Sometimes when he is sleeping I look at him and see the first newborn I ever held. Sometimes I see the goofy toddler I used to play with in Arizona. But other times he is so grown up. He wants to know everything about everything. I teach him what I can. I tell him he is still my first baby. He tells me he always will be. I want to remember that forever.

In between all the moving and traveling and fuss going on my prescription for my anti-depressant ran out. I kept meaning to find myself a doctor. I forgot. Until I had been off of it for a week and I realized, I needed it. So I found a doctor. And got my meds. But they take up to two weeks to work.

I've been so angry. So worried. So everything. I don't want to be the angry woman I have been the past week. Yesterday I actually yelled at the kids. For leaving the baby gate open. Totally not a reason to yell.

Also since we moved I haven't found time to do my yoga. Yoga calms me. I really need to be calm. No yelling. Bad mommy.

On Monday husbandface was sick. He stayed in bed or on the couch coughing and looking terrible. Then Yesterday myself and all of the children seem to have caught whatever it is that he has. My lungs hurt. My babies are fussy. Our house sounds like "cough cough cough" all day and night long.

The upside to sick babies is that they are extra cuddly. My toddler who normally prefers Daddy followed me around all day and took a nap with me on the couch. My baby fussed unless he was asleep or in my arms. I took full advantage and hugged them all day long. They wont always be so little. They wont always need me so much. They wont be small enough to sleep in my arms forever.

Here is to hoping we can get better soon so I can finish unpacking. Heh.

I've been so busy, I never really said goodbye to 2009.

In 2009 I:

had my third child.
gained new friends and family members through several births.
got a dog.
visited Phoenix.
reconnected with some friends I thought I had lost.
visited crater lake.
visited Seattle.
moved to Washington.
gave away our dog.
had a white week before christmas in Ohio.
bought our first house.

had a good year.

Good bye 2009. Lets hope twenty-ten is just a good.

super awesomness:

watching the sun rise over the evergreens

the clap-clap-clap of Gamma crawling over hard-wood floors

giggles as three little faces roll around on our empty living room floor together.

"I wike it!"

"Mom, your hair pretty."

"Eric you are still my first baby." "And I always will be."

hollywood kisses with husbandface before I go to bed (and he stays up all night.)

six little faces on Christmas morning. Full of magic, surprise and the special feeling when you believe in Santa.

the tiny toes of my 6 week old nephew.

friends filling up our house with laughter.

dancing to Prince with Lily and sliding on the floor in our socks.

worn out

between flying, moving, partying I'm pretty worn out. i know soon life will be extremely easy, but right now it feels like I have so much work to do.

my current goals:
unpack (my garage is full of boxes)
sleep-train Gamma (he would not sleep in Ohio)
ditch the sippy cup for Lily (I have let this go on for far too long because I'm lazy.)
get a councilor lined up for Eric.

and cook and clean and laundry and breastfeed. and be a wife.

phew. I'm tired just typing all that.

but, this will be a good year. We are blessed beyond belief.