So Wednesday was rough. But Thursday was much better. Sure, I was a single parent for 10 1/2 hours. And I don't know how single parents can do it at all. Because those 10 hours kicked my butt. But as soon as Husbandface got home I escaped to my craft group meeting at the library. For two hours I got to hang out with other women. And laugh. Boy, did I laugh.

Sometimes only two hours can make my week seem so much better. Just a few laughs and smiles. Just to know, I am not alone. I may feel so, so alone on most days. But I am not.

Also - I really do have the greatesr husband. He did bedtime all by himself. And still had cuddles for me when I got home. <3

So I'm trying to stay positive. Trying not to blog unless I have something nice to blog about. So I am silent....

So I shouldn't blog about how I invited all our new neighbor's to Gamma's party and they all said they would probably come and only 1 showed up. And they stayed for 20 minutes. Didn't stay for the cake.

The friends that did come made it so much fun.

My BFF lives in Arizona or she would have been here. I miss her so.

I shouldn't tell you how I am sick of wearing jeans and t shirts every day. I feel ugly. None of my clothes fit. I get dressed and put on make-up but then Gamma barfs on me. By the time the kids are grown and I will have time to look nice, I will be old.

I shouldn't complain about my wonderful husband. But all he notices is how dirty the house is. Never that I survived another day. How about the fact that I got an IUD so we wouldn't have any more babies, yet the procedure it takes to makes babies doesn't happen between us any more. We went out for Valentine's and had nothing to say to each other. There weren't any movies playing that we wanted to see so we sat in Starbuck's for dessert. He just stared at his phone the whole time. I guess its nice to be silent, sometimes. But its always silent. We have nothing to say anymore. I am boring.

I am boring. I have nothing worth listening to anymore.

"Mom can you chase us?" He asks. I growl and chase them. Then they chase me. And we all fall in a pile and laugh.

"Can we do ing around the osie?" She asks. And we do. But she wants to do it again and again and again. By the fifth time I have had enough. I have things to clean. I have to break her heart and quit.

"Mom can you tickle me?" "MOMMY!" "MOm, You it!" "uuuuh! buuuuuuh! dadadadadaaaaaaaaaa!"

If only I had the patience to stair at them all day and play all the games until THEY were sick of them.

Dear Gamma,

On this day a year ago you were expelled from my uterus. I say expelled because unlike your two siblings, there was no counting to push. There was no push only during contractions. The nurse and midwife pressed down on my belly and made me push you out as fast as I could. You tried to come out with your arm next to your head. The chord was wrapped around your neck. You were the first baby I got to see the second you were born. I pushed you out in 4 contractions and you were placed on my belly. You were gooey and purple and not crying. But you were beautiful. You had gigantic lips and huge eyes.

One second you were on my belly looking at me and the next about a million people were in our room at the hospital. Doctors and nurses for the NICU came in to make you breathe. And it took a few minutes and I heard the most precious sound a mother can hear directly after birth. I heard my third baby's first cry. It wasn't loud and angry like your sibling's first cries. At first it was soft and sad.

The first night of your life you made up for it by not letting me sleep and screaming and yelling for boob every 30 minutes. And as exhausted and miserable as I was, I know, I would do it all over again just for you. My Gamma.

Your first year of life has been full of changes. We moved to Washington. We got a dog. We gave it away. We bought our home. But through all the changes we have had each other. And the tiny angry newborn you once were has become a giggly, loud toddler. Unlike your sister, here it is your first birthday and you still want to nurse at least 5 times a day. You are a boobie man. When you started biting my breasts I thought I would wean you. But you haven't bit me in days. I look down at you nursing and I realize I'm not ready to take this away from us. Life is so busy and in the blink of an eye you'll be a man. So, for now at least, I want to continue nursing. I love our cuddles. Its the only time you slow down.

When you were still in my belly, we had a hard time picking out a name just for you. We have a super boring last name. We didn't want a boring first name. But nothing too complicated either. Your dad jokingly suggested Gamma one day because you are our third child and gamma is third letter of the Greek alphabet. Your dad and I also really like Greek names. And I loved Gamma. It was simple to spell and say. And you came out and it was you. You are Gamma.

I hope we have a wonderful second year of Gamma just as we had a wonderful first year of Gamma.

Happy Birthday, Bubbercakes.

Mama.

Right now the kids are all in the playroom. Playing. Playing with "waygos" and knights. Somehow Gamma found a large plastic pipe and that is his favorite toy right now. I thought, oh I should go blog on my new computer before its time to start dinner.

But here I am. Sitting. Not knowing what to tell you, internet. Should I tell you how husband and I aren't getting a long well right now? Should I ask you if this is just a "rough patch" or if we just suck at being married? Should I tell you that I love my house and I am struggling with keeping it clean. Should I tell you that I am potty training Lily and she has pooped 4 times in underwear today? Ewwww.

Tomorrow my baby turns 1. No more babies. Must not want to have more babies. Must not want to have more babies.

So I changed the layout of this here bloggy. When I was updating things it felt a lot like spring cleaning. I get to start anew. Right now I am in love with mint/turquoise/aqua(whatever you call it) yellow and grey. So there I go. Yellow flowers have always been my favorite. They are just so much prettier then pink or red. I don't know why. I just love them.

I had the most wonderful Valentine's day yesterday. I woke up and cuddled on the couch with the kids for a while before I noticed Husbandface had left me a new laptop, a box of chocolates and a hard on our breakfast bar for me. He has never done Valentine's day. He hates hallmark holidays. I, on the other hand, LOVE them. I love buying and making silly things to celebrate. I love getting dressed up. I love doing holiday themed anything. I  just love all holidays. When I noticed my card I read it first. It said, "WIFE! I love you so much that I really want you to stop using my computer." I ran upstairs and jumped on him and kissed him all over his face. 

The funny thing is, I wasn't even expecting a card. The first couple years we were married, I foolishly thought that since I loved silly holidays, he would too. I am sure people talk about things like that before getting married. Most people probably don't get married 10 months after meeting. It used to make me sad. Because I love Husbandface, he is the best person (besides my children) ever created.You can't make someone like things they just don't think are worth their time. I have just resolved to celebrate silly hallmark holidays with my kids and leave him out of it. Then he goes and surprises me. <3 

I got him this shirt. With Robots in love. I got each of the kids a small heart shaped box of chocolates. I didn't open Gammas. He just banged it on the floor. I got Eric and Gamma robot shirts. And Lily a long frilly white dress with heart trim. I put it on her and she said, "I'm a PRINCESS!" And she ran to her daddy and told him too. And he hugged her. My boys might not care about holidays. They might be just like Husbandface. But my pretty little daughter makes them special. She loves them as much as I do.

Hearts and butterflies and rainbows and magic. Happy Valentine's day, internet.

I love my loves. My hubby bubby, my chicken nugget kidlets.

Love.

selfish

Sometimes I'm selfish. Instead of cleaning, during naptime I play videogames. Or I read. Or I waste time on facebook.

But why do I feel guilty? After giving up all my dreams and aspirations to be a housewife. I deserve an hour to do something selfish.

I can say that all I want, but I will still feel guilty. I will still be thinking about the dishes in the sink while I shoot bad guys to save the human race.

My cousin asked me the other day, "What about all your dreams?" What about them? I don't matter any more. My three littles are more important. I am their mother. This is the most important job I'll ever have.