Dear Husbandface,

As of today we have been married for four years. When we first met and decided to move off into the sunset together, I honestly thought it would be all rainbows and butterflies and sugar and cotton candy. It hasn't always been sweet. But a lot of it has been. And the sweetness makes everything else worth going through.

You could have chosen someone smarter. Someone much prettier. But you chose me. You chose me to marry and create babies with. And that right there makes me feel special. Plus we have really cute babies.

For our anniversary you gave me the best present you could have ever given me. You built me a raised garden. You built it with your own hands. And some wood and screws and dirt. I love it.

I love you.

Lily walks over to me and says, "I need my diapey changed." I lay her on the pink changing pad. I am immediately flashed back to the time in third grade when I was sent to school in pink sweat pants and a diaper. I still wore diapers to bed in third grade because I wet the bed every night. My class mates found out. And they made fun of me.

Raising children brings so much of the child in me back. Every day little nothing things happen and I am taken back to a memory. Sometimes they are good memories. More often though, they are humiliating.

Lily is two and she asks to have her diaper change. I know in third grade I used to get myself dressed, make cereal and walk myself to school on most days. My mom worked nights so she was always asleep during the morning. I don't know how I ended up at school in a diaper and my pajamas. But I remember how embarrassed I was for being teased about it for the rest of the year.

As a mother, I wish I could protect my children from little traumas they will inevitably go through. I wish I could go back and protect little me. But this is life. Things happen. Things shape us into the people we are and will become.

I have a lot of anxiety about potty training my daughter. I have sat her on the potty. Read potty books. Talked a lot about the potty. I just want it to be a positive experience for her. My precious sweet fire-cracker messy haired lightning bug.

Yesterday I spent an hour sweeping then mopping the floor. Lily spilled salt all over it an hour later.

I spent half an hour cleaning out the fridge. Little did I know that Gamma was behind me taking everything I threw away out of the trash. He found a paper towel covered in cleaned up butter that has spilled to the bottom of the fridge.

My kids just hate it when the house is clean. Maybe I should just let it stay messy.

My Husband would never be okay with that. On a daily basis I hear why didn't I clean this right or that or do this or that.

Blah.

On another note. My kids are loving the dirtiness of our garden.

So a few weeks ago we picked out a beautiful teal color to paint our master bedroom. This past weekend we set aside to paint.

But Husband is a perfectionist. He barely let me and Eric help. In the end he did most of the work because it is not fun painting with someone looking over your shoulder telling you not to do it like that.

When the babies were napping and we all three were painting. It was so much fun. I feel like we all bonded over paint and mess and brushes. Eric painted a square on one of our walls. I used to roller thingy.

Now we have a "venus teal" bedroom. We put our bed back together last night. And when I laid down, I felt like it was "ours." It wasn't the same beige toupe that our whole house is painted in. It was our color. Ours.

Sometimes, I can't believe this is my life. Do I really live in this house? Are these cute kids really mine?

They are. It is.

I'm loving the longer warmer days. I spent yesterday afternoon blowing bubbles while my children chased them and giggled. Today we took sidewalk chalk and drew roads all over the cement in the back of our house and then drove our toy cars all over them. Even the baby made sound effects.

This past week I have spent a lot of time crocheting and knitting instead of thinking of something to blog about. I have been happy. I don't know why. Just enjoying the cuddles and giggles and sunlight and life.

So everyday, I try to teach Lily things. You could say we are doing home school preschool. I still plan on sending her to preschool next year but she loves learning activities. And what better way to fill our day then to learn?

Some of my favorite things to do are starfall.com, tlsbooks.com, and wikipedia (of course). There is just so much to learn! She loves watching the letter thingies on starfall. She asks for them everyday. We also color all the time.

We also watch signing time and kid's love spanish. We love learning new words in other languages. I get the dvds from the library and we watch them and practice the words together. Eric also learns these things with us. I know its almost taboo to let your children watch TV, but I feel like some shows are really educational and worth it.

Some days are so stressful we don't get around to learning. But most days we do. And we have a great time.

On Saturday I was talking with a friend who also has a son with ADHD. Our sons have so much in common.

I was telling her about how embarrassed I used to be of my own son. I was ashamed that he was mine. I wanted to run away and hide in a hole sometimes when he was just mind-blowingly hyper and crazy. But I have realized it doesn't matter. I accept him as he is. I accept his disability. I love him for who he is. I will love him no matter what his behavior is like.

She told me once you let that go, everything is all good.

And she was right. I have let go of caring what other people think about my parenting, about our family. And Eric is great.

I was so anti-medication because everyone I knew was. I didn't want them thinking "oh she drugs up her kid." I cared more about being judged then helping my son do better in school. No, I do not "drug up" my kid. I give him medication to help him focus. Otherwise he is easily distracted, bouncing off the walls and cannot focus enough to learn. And the only opinions that matter are Eric's, mine, my husband's, our pediatrician.

He has been on medication for a little over a week and we have seen a DRAMATIC change in him. He had several good days in school. In a row. He is actually getting ready in the morning instead of me yelling at him after telling him over and over and over to put some freaking socks on already.

And I probably will be judged. But I do not care. I am doing what I can so that Eric has a successful and happy life.

Today I am proud of myself as a mother. I don't think I have ever felt that way before.

Eric was a little late for school this morning because of a dental appointment and while I was in the office signing him in the school nurse came over to me.She told me she just had to give me a compliment. I guess the teacher on duty during lunch has noticed that Eric always has one of the healthiest lunches at school.

This made my day.

I try really hard to make sure his lunches are healthy and something he will eat. Today I packed half a ham/cheese sandwich, a couple handfuls of cashews, water, carrot sticks and a granola bar. Sometimes I add a little treat like a cookie. Recently gogurt has come out with a preservative & color free version of their product so I buy those too. Other things I put in there : veggie pirate booty, string cheese, almond butter sandwich, celery sticks, fresh fruit such as apples, bananas or pears. Eric loves them. He doesn't always finish his lunch so whatever is leftover is usually his after-school snack too.

I am thankful the nurse took time out of her day to tell me this.

On cleaning -

I have discovered that white vinegar can clean almost anything.

Sometimes a rag and warm water and some patience is all that is needed.

it's the clutter that kills, not the dirt

sick babies have endless snot. They should make baby nose tampons, seriously.

two year olds should come with a mess alarm. I am always finding a new mess I didn't realize she had made.

sometimes you just have to jump in when you don't know where to start.

loud music or a phone call can make the cleaning go by faster.

Today I got an estimate for some house cleaning. "The maids" want $400 to clean our house. It really made me question what services they REALLY offer. Just kidding.

I know our house is big, but that just seems a little ridiculous. And that number made me like cleaning a whole lot more then usual.

Today I questioned why I blog. I am just a mommy blogger. I have nothing really interesting to say. Maybe I should just quit blogging. But I like to write. And occasionally I write heartfelt entries that I want to share with my wonderful children some day. Today is just not one of those heartfelt days, sorry.

So I have decided, instead of yelling, Husband and myself will only talk about disagreements over the internet. No real yelling. ONLY ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!! And lots of exclamation points when you want to prove your point. And He doesn't know when I cry and say mean things about me being a crybaby.

The past few weeks its been and endless fight. We were both resenting each other. Well it took IMing for me to actually listen to him. I am a yeller. When I am mad, I yell. Not very good at listening in a disagreement. But yesterday I read. I understood.

We both have felt unappreciated. We both are wanting the impossible out of each other. Time to be a grown up and have real expectations. We can't be a team, we can't be partners if we are both feeling like we have the short end of the stick.

Time to listen. Time be a real grown up.

I know nobody likes a negative nancy. And all I do is complain. Blah blah blah blah. I have no one else to talk to so I am going to tell you about my day, internet.

It started out fine. Eric had a doctors appointment at 9. I ran to the store at 8 A.M. because we had no milk for the babies. I barely got home and into town fast enough to be to the doctor on time. Then they kept us waiting until nearly 10 before seeing the doctor. By the time we are done it is 10:45.I have to take Eric to school and Husband was supposed to be in Seattle by 11.

When I got home I learned that Lily had found a black sharpie somewhere and decided to decorate all of our walls. Good think we are going to be painting them this spring. So Husband is a little annoyed. "Why is there black sharpies where Lily can reach?" And truthfully, I don't know. I can't recall leaving one anywhere. But I must have. Husband spent an hour scrubbing the walls. And he only got a few clean.

Then I drive Husband to work. As soon as I get home he calls me to tell me that Eric is in trouble at school again and I have to go get him from school. He hadn't even been at school for an hour.

I decide it is a good time to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled. With three kids. Two of which really need naps. I go and give then pharmacist all my info. I wait for 20 minutes. I have this card for free trial. The pharmacist says I have to call and activate it. SO I try to. But the automated crap doesn't understand me and hangs up on me. Three times. And Gamma is tired and crying, Lily is getting into EVERYTHING. So I say screw it and pay pull price. But not before yelling and crying at my droid.

Now my little Gammers is napping. But Lily is fighting it. And getting into everything. And taking her close off. Ugh.

I need a wife.

So while I went to talk to the psychologist about Eric, Husband stayed home to watch Lily and Gamma. Well he was sitting on the couch checking email. Lily decided it was a good time to do her favorite new hobby, explore the pantry. She climbs the shevles and gets things down to eat.

This morning she found my baking powder. Husband was still interneting. So She opened the baking powder. And poured it all over our wood floors that I just mopped yesterday. When I came home Husband was still vacuming the mess. I laughed. Hahahaha! So funny! A mess! That I didn't have to be here for!

Should not have laughed at Husbandface.

Then during naptime, I mopped the floor AGAIN. For the second day in a row. It takes me 45 minutes to mop the floor. It is a lot of work.

When we got home from walking Eric home from school, Gamma needed changed. So I am upstairs chaging him Lily heads to the pantry. She climbs to the POWDERED thyme. THYME! She gets thyme everywhere. I probably smell like time after cleaning it up.

So now I need to mop the floor again. Third time in a row. Thank you so much, GODS, for giving me the terrible twos.

Sometimes my children's behaviors blow me away. Eric is, well.. Eric. Lily is at the threshold between toddler and preschooler. Gamma has become a toddler.

Yesterday we were all walking Eric home from school. I cannot wait until husband buys himself a commuter car. And we are all giggly and happy, la di da de. Then Eric comes upon an empty glass bottle with a lizard on it. We never have drinks like this around our house, he is curious. He picks it up.

Immediately lots of things go through my head. All with him ending up hurt by the glass. I so I say calmly "Eric, put it down." He smiles at me. Continues to hold it. "PLEASE, put it down." He starts walking away from me with it. "Eric, I am trying not to get angry. Put it down." He turns around holding the bottle by the lid looking at it.

"Eric put it down, put it down. Put it down. Put it down" I repeat and repeat. But its like he is deaf. "PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN." I yell. Hating myself as I do so.

He throws it onto the asphalt. It smashes and glass is everywhere. "What is wrong with you!" I instinctively say. Why did I say that? Why did he do that? Why me?

I close my eyes. I count to ten.

"I wasn't telling you to put it down because I am a jerk. I was telling you to put it down so it wouldn't break and you wouldn't get hurt."

Glass was everywhere. I had nothing to clean it up with. I had three children trying to walk home. A kind passerby offers his plastic bag. I accept it and thank him. Then I clean up as much glass as I can. We walk home in silence. I am furious.

I just don't know what to say to him to make him listen. I don't know what to do to make him understand that some things are very important. That he has to do what I say so no one gets hurt. I am at a loss. Situations like this make me feel like maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother.