Valeta

pregnancy...again... again

2012-01-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

So. I'm pregnant.

I have to admit. In the past, I was a giant brat when I was pregnant. I complained all day about every little thing. I have no compulsion to tell the Internet my every pain right now. Maybe because I am 27 and have grown up a little bit? Maybe because so far the nausea has been mild. Or because I am too busy and tired to think about it? Probably all three.

Husbandface and I are in counseling. And working on us. Its been good. Sharing life with another person who has different opinions on almost everything is hard.

My doctor has officially scared the crap out of me. As I have never had a baby in Washington before, I went to my primary care physician to get a referral. She gave me the number to a midwife group at a nice hospital and as I was walking away said, "It is probably twins."

twins. TWINS.. OMG!

Well. I have an appointment with a home birth midwife on Monday. We shall see how that goes. :)

So.. blog friends...

2012-01-23T09:47:00.001-08:00

Here we go again

him

2012-01-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

He comes home from work. Hours after dark. The kids have been asking when he would be home. "I don't know." I tell them. Because I never know. He doesn't communicate anything with me. If I text or call while he is at work he gets annoyed. "I'm working," is what he will answer with. He doesn't say hello or acknowledge I am there. He goes straight to the mail and starts asking me why I didn't do this or that or pay this.

He is such a hippocrite.

He makes me sad.

Three or four times over his two week winter vacation from work, I went over to a friend's house to watch silly T.V. shows and have a good time. Because he no longer makes me laugh. He watches serious shows that really do not interest me. I like to laugh. So I went to a friend's house and stayed out very late.

On New Year's Eve he was angry. He said I don't seem to care for my family. I don't like my kids. Because I went out while he was at home on vacation. Because I thought him being home meant the kids had their dad, and I could go laugh. No. I am a terrible mom and a terrible human being because I didn't stay home and stare at him on his laptop. Or watch Dexter with him. Dexter is creepy. Especially on our giant HDTV.

I do EVERYTHING for this family. I am the only one who does.

Seven years ago, he was all I wanted. And now he only makes me sad. Nothing I do is good enough for him. Now I don't know what I want anymore.

I do know one thing. I love me. I am a caring person. And I do not deserve to be put down everyday for stupid little things that do not matter.

When will my life begin?

2012-01-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

good bye 2011

2011-12-23T01:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Winter Solstice. Happy New Year.

Merry Everything.

Blessed be you as I have been.

Biting

2011-12-20T09:23:00.001-08:00

9:14 a.m. and I have already been bit on the thigh by my almost-three-year-old. Ouch.

I put him in time-out. And he laughs. He laughs at his punishment.

I am completely frustrated. I can't help but think, "what would my mom have done?" She would have smacked my bottom. In the past I have spanked, but I can't do it anymore. I always feel terrible afterwards.

So what am I supposed to do? Biting back feels wrong.

So sick of being bit. Ugh.

Consul 1

2011-12-02T10:16:00.001-08:00

I am sitting in a room that has a small table, a few chairs and a phone. The sign above it says consul 1. I am full of anxiety. My Eric. My precious wild boy.

The surgeon already came in to told me Eric did great. I think this waiting in silence is the hardest part.

In the "induction" room I helped him put his gown on, I held his hand. I watched his beautiful eyes close in sleep just as they did 8 years ago when he was my baby.

And he will always be my baby. And he will be fine.

They removed a preauricular pit. A totally common occurance.

I am going to baby the hell out of him.

2011-11-04T13:53:00.001-07:00

Moms

2011-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

I pull up to one of my favorite places--the craft store. Then I look up and see a few older women walking in with younger women that appear to be their daughters.

I will never have that with my own mother. My own mother who rarely calls and cannot afford to visit her grandchildren.

But I look forward to the day I have that with my daughter.

Then we walk into the store and both my younger children have stupid tantrums. And I wonder why I leave the house. Why? Oh, because I am an idiot, that is why.

I drive home crying. Because no one who I know is home will answer the phone. Because sometimes I feel like a shitty mom. Because I miss my mom every day. I wonder why?

A mom's work really IS never done.

2011-10-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was like the busiest day from hell ever. And that is not a complaint. It was just, extremely busy. And this is my life. I love us.

My schedule yesterday:
7 a.m. - alarm goes off. I get out of bed.
7:10 a.m. - pour cereal for three kids.
7:20 a.m. - change Gamma's first poopy diaper.
7:30 a.m. - drink some tea
7:45a.m - get myself and children dressed, teeth brushed
8 a.m. - pack Eric a healthy lunch
8:15 a.m. - head out the door.
8:20 a.m - drop Eric off at school.
8:40 a.m. - arrive at post office. mail some packages.
9:15 a.m. - come back home and change another diaper. have a granola bar. Make a few sandwiches to feed Lily and Gams later.
9:45 a.m. - head to Lily's ballet school.
9:55 a.m. - drop Lily off at ballet.
10:05 a.m. - arrive at toy store. Pick out gift for almost 2 year old nephew.
10:30 a.m. - chase some ducks and geese with Gamma.
10:45 a.m. - retrieve Lily from Ballet.
11 a.m. - Lily's 4 year physical.
12 p.m. - Lily's 4 year vaccinations.
12:15 p.m. - pick up little brother. give kid's sandwiches. In the car. Husband will not like this.
12:40 p.m. - drop brother off at social security office
1 p.m. - arrive at target pharmacy
2:35 p.m. - finally get Eric's meds.
2:55 p.m - get brother, drive as fast as I can home.
3:15 p.m. - find Eric walking home from school.
3:25 p.m. - finally sit down at home. Kids are hungry. Get up. Get kids a snack.
4 p.m. - try to straighten out house. Start dinner.
5 p.m. - sit down on couch and fall asleep.
6 p.m. - serve dinner. Husband gets home.
6:30 p.m. - demand that husband does dishes, which he doesn't
6:45 p.m - take shower. ahhh.
7:30 p.m - get kid's ready for bed. brush their teeth. pajamas...etc.
8:30 p.m. - read Lily a book and turn on her light.
9 p.m. - read Gam a book and turn off his light.
9:30 p.m. - try to hug Eric and find out his ear is swollen. crap. Send him to bed with tylenol.
10p.m - sit down and try to knit but am too exhausted. Gamma comes down stairs and climbs in husband's lap.
11p.m. - fall asleep on cuddle watching t.v. with husbandface.
11:15 p.m. - climb in my bed and fall asleep.

*sigh* Is it friday yet?

2011-09-28T12:37:00.001-07:00

Love her.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

2011-09-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

I know. I'm 27. Technically a grown up. I was just having a discussion with husbandface about plans for my continued education next year. Next school year Lily will be in kindergarten and Gamma will attend preschool. What in the world will mama do?

He said something to the tune of he doesn't care what I do, just as long as its something I love.

So I say, " Well, I love being a mama. I just hate being alone all day."

"You wont be a mama for much longer. Babies are growing. Gamma will be in school in just a few years."

"This I know."

And then I wondered to myself, is this why I get baby fever? I do love being a mama. But do I honestly want another one to care for and get no sleep with? I am not sure. My friends with new babies post pictures on facebook and I am envious. Little tiny baby snuggles. And nursing and tiny diapers. What about all the extra work? More laundry, dishes, food to prepare. Another little person to worry about all day. Because I do, worry. Every. Day. About my littles. Am I doing this or that right? Do they get enough affection? Did they eat their veggies? Oh, my babes. I love them.

2011-09-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

A person who I thought was a good friend of mine told me I was worthless today. He is not my friend. He told me to stop calling what I do a job. How is what I do NOT a job? I understand I had these children and it is just my life to care for them. If it is my purpose in life, it is a job. I clean children, make beds, make appointments, pay bills. Sure, I do not bring in any income for those bills. It has been years since my husband has written a check for one of our bills. In fact, he will leave bills on my desk just for me to take care of it. I take the kids to their many appointments. I make sure they have shoes and clothing. We work together to raise our family. I do often complain and wish we would help out more. But our family would not be what it is without EITHER of us. Husbandface and I are equally important to each other. Equally important to our children.

I left for a week to go visit my sick mother. I came home to mountains of laundry and days worth of dishes. I tried to bite my tongue and just keep on keepin' on. Yes, I am blessed. I have a great house and family and life.

But I am NOT worthless.

As someone who grew up with absent parents, I know how important being a present mother is. And I am here for my kids every day. I take time everyday to talk to my Eric. To see how he is doing. I read to my Lily and play with my Gamma. All things children their age truly need. I make sure I hug each one of them several times every day. I don't really worry about making sure they are perfect all day every day. My kids are often filthy and dressed silly. They are loved and taken well care of.

And if that is worthless to you, then I do not want to know you. You have no idea what is truly important in life.

third grade

2011-09-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

I remember third grade. My teacher's name was Ms. Pariscandola. She was also my older cousin's third grade teacher. She was small for a teacher. She was kind. I made my first real friends in third grade. I drank a lot of chocolate milk. I got free school lunch every day. This was the year I started walking myself home from school.

My oldest child has been in third grade for three weeks. He has walked himself to and from school several times. All by himself. I drove him this morning because he was running late. He takes chocolate milk or a fruitables juice box in his lunch every day. He gets lunch made at home. He is his own person. I feel I really cannot blog about him the way I did when he was younger. Some day he will read all this. I hope he knows how proud of him I am. He is such a great little guy.

Life lessons

2011-09-11T08:35:00.001-07:00

I drive by the places I had to live as a child. I see familiar sights and changes too. I didn't realize we were so poor, but we were. And most of my mother's family still are. And I am thankful, for everything I have. I am thankful for my children, my home and my husband.

I get wrapped up in my brain. Tiny unimportant things start to bug me. Sometimes I just need a slap in the face. Such as seeing my homeless mother in the hospital. With no warm bed to go home to. A crappy job she cannot live without. My brother who is 23 and needs help my mother cannot give.

I wish I could wrap my family up and save them all. Real life does not work like that. Real life is messy and hard. Its never exactly what you expect or want. It is what it is and you can only do your best.

2011-08-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've said some horrible things about my mother here. All of them were true, but that doesn't make them any less horrible.

Now that I'm older and she is getting so sick. I don't like to dwell on the bad anymore. I should never have done so in the first place. Tears come to my eyes whenever I think of her now.

She is my mother.

I would not be here, if it wasn't for her. I am who I am partially because of her. So many decisions that she has made, I will never agree with. But I love her, still.

If she were to die tomorrow, I would hate the world to think only of the very worst of her. She has so much good in her too.

She taught me to be my own person. She wouldn't pierce my ears as an infant because it was not her body to pierce. I chose to do the same with my daughter. She taught me to be independent.

She taught me to dance. To dance silly.

And she NEVER cares what other people think. I am never so brave. I have too much anxiety.

When I was a child, she was the tallest, most beautiful, smartest lady in the world. And all I wanted was more time with her. Here is am 27 years old, and still all I want is a little more time with her.

2011-08-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

'Tis Friday morning. I am cuddling my baby man on our leather couch. Watching old superman cartoon on netflix instant view on our google tv. Its hazy and cloudy outside. Gamma has already told me three times that I am his best friend. And Lily has told me I am the best mom. I just don't think life could get any better. I would be contented to cuddle my littles all day. Its still Summer and we can be lazy and do nothing.

Soon Fall will be here and so will the school year. Eric will be home and every weekday morning we will rush off to school and classes and errands.

But today I am contented to stay here for a little while.

2011-08-17T11:50:00.001-07:00

Who needs fast food?

2011-07-24T11:04:00.001-07:00

She wakes up most days in a glorious mood. She says she dreams about unicorns and rainbows and butterflies and ladybugs. She says mommies can only drink coffee and big girls and babies drink milk with breakfast. If i'd let her, she eat only honey nut cherrios for breakfast every day. How dare I want her to eat eggs or oatmeal or anything other then cereal.

Everyday she wants to play outside. Rain or shine. I don't like rain and we live in Washington so, we clash a lot about this. She only wants to wear dresses and is annoyed that her mother makes her wear shorts or pants underneath even though she "loves to show off her underwear." Recently, my favorite thing to do with her hair is french braid it.

In less then a week, my precious girl will be four years old. The baby that made me realize just how strong I really am, is a child. She is her own person with her own opinions and quirks. I adore her. I love her. She is the best girl in the whole world.

My Lily.

2011-07-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be different if we moved away from California. But it is not. I am still stuck in the same routine. Alone with small children almost every day. No one to talk to. My neighbors either work full time or are not the "hanging out" kind of people.

I've made some truly wonderful friends here. And I still have some in Arizona and California. Hell, I've made friends from all over the U.S.

Honestly, I am just sick of myself complaining about the loneliness. I woke up this morning, happy because I am having lunch with a friend.

People have said to me, "If I lived in your house, I'd never be unhappy." "If my Husband made as much as yours does, I'd be happy." I just don't think thats true. Money/a big house does not buy happiness. What does? Friendship. Money can't buy true friendship. Money can't buy true laughter.

I never get friends dropping by on a whim. I am never the first person anyone calls to chat. Everyone else has a best friend, except me. My best friend is in Arizona and I miss her so. Am I being super selfish and needy wanting to be wanted by friends?

I have my little best friends. My children. And I love them to bits. I've realized, that is just going to have to be enough. I'm afraid of the day when my children will not want to hang out with me anymore. When they have friends of their own.

2011-07-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Thrifty finds

2011-07-09T15:13:00.001-07:00

Total spent: $2.45.

Too bad I got into a car accident on the way home

2011-06-29T21:46:00.001-07:00

2011-06-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Day three of Solo-Valeta Parenting. There have been no casualties. The house is pretty clean. I have been crafting like crazy. Poor Lily was sick this morning, but by the afternoon she was her regular jumping bean self. Gamma has been a terrific two all day.

Lots of fits and crying over little things. As he is my third child, I know what to expect. And how to just deal with it. I understand his frustration that he can't just have what he wants when he wants it how he wants it. I mean, I have the same frustration. I have had 26 years to learn how to deal with it. He is just now learning what he wants and when he can't have it. And so I adore him. I adore his giggles and his mispronounced words. I love to see things through his eyes.

2011-06-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

It is summer. Sweet. Lazy days. No getting up early and driving kids to and fro.

Now if only it would stay sunny for more then one day, it would be perfect.

Isn't that how everything always is always? "If ___ was ____, it would be perfect." Bah humbug. No. Today was a good day. I feel lonely and sad anyways. I took the kids to the beach. We played in the sand. Gamma ran around in a diaper full from the lake and it was hilarious. I chatted to the ladies in my playgroup. Then I came home and crochet. THe kids colored on their easel. We read funny bedtime stories. Had some snuggles before they went to bed.

Now I am drinking wine. And look at that. I'm smiling. Just tell you, internet, about my day has cheered me up immensely.

Thanks.

2011-06-23T17:20:00.001-07:00

I'm in a slump. I know I can't handle school right now and that makes me feel like a failure. Whenever Husbandface and I argue, he says "Well you don't work." But I feel like all I do is work. Changing sheets and diapers. Cleaning and cooking. Taking the kids to playdates. Going on walks. I suppose some of it shouldn't feel like work. But when I do everything for the kids, it feels like it.

I need to do something for just me. Maybe I can get more active in my etsy shop and here on my blog. I feel I have nothing special to say. I do the same thing every day. I take care and play with my kids. We color and sometimes watch movies. I feel as though I am not longer a person. I am just mom.

What happened to Valeta?

2011-06-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Tis Sunday. I am sitting in a leather recliner with my baby man. My baby man has become a toddler man but I refuse to call him anything but my baby. How do they get so old so fast?

I enjoy being lazy on weekends. My kids would rather be outside running around and being silly.

My amazing husband likes to sleep in on weekends. I like to stay up late and watch movies with him.

I like eating breakfast and snuggling with the kids.

Most of all.. I love us. I love our family. We are cute and weird and awesome.

2011-06-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

There should be a cure for baby fever. I need a pill I can take so that I wont see pictures of all my pregnant friends and pictures of brand new babies and feel my uterus being empty.

I need someone to come and smack some sense into me. I have three children. A crazy son, an amazing daughter and a sweet toddler boy. I love them all to bits. I am always stressed out because of them.

And yet..

I don't feel like we are all here yet.

Everyday my kids teach me something new and amazing. I still have so much to learn.

We are not planning any more children.

But if one were to happen...I would be happy.

2011-05-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, someone I thought was a dear friend cut me deep. With words. Again, about Eric's behavior. Then another friend proceeded to tell me I need to do A, B and C.Then I go on facebook and another friend is bitching about her neighbor's kids behavior.

Since when is it okay to go around judging EVERYONE about their parenting style? Why is it okay for you to put your 2 cents in?

All of us. We have no idea what it is like to be the other person. Why can't we all just support each other? Is that so hard?

Sometimes I cry because of the lack of support. Of help. Of empathy. Of companionship.

It is REALLY HARD to be a good parent. And what if you don't have good parents to set an example? What if you are just trying your best? Should you still be judged so harshly?

I don't think so. I think friends and neighbors should find a positive way to support each other rather then being assholes.

We are all human.

2011-05-24T14:28:00.001-07:00

2011-05-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well. Its been a rough trip. I do like school. But my kids need me more. They need a mom who isn't frustrated and angry that they are so needy because she has a paper due. They need a mom who has time to play with dolls or basketball. And I am okay with that.

I knew when I started that it wouldn't be easy. I just didn't realize HOW hard it would be.

Normally I would be disappointed in myself. But I have tried my best. I don't have a lot of support. I don't have any family nearby. I have friends but they are all busy moms too.

I love my kids. And I can always go back to school. When they aren't so young.

2011-04-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom. So much.

I know all of really done on my blog is complain about her. But that is what this blog is for. For me to vent.

I miss the good things about my mom. She would always come over when I was overwhelmed with Eric. She would help me clean. Bring me taco bell. We'd go shopping.

Sure, I have said bad things. But I needed to heal somehow.

If I could talk to her right now, I would tell her that I forgive her for everything. And I hope she forgives me for all I've done to her. Because I have been a terrible daughter sometimes.

You can't go around blaming others for everything in your life. I can't do that. I am 26 years old. I am who I am. I have been through what I have been through. I am terrific. I never leave the house without me.

I am blessed with all I have now. I am thankful for all I have now.

Mom, I miss you.

2011-04-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

Now that I am home and spring semester has started, I spend my days chasing kids or in my office studying. I am loving it. I spend every nap time trying to stay caught up on my classes so I don't fall behind, like I did last quarter in English.

I failed English because I was not organized and I missed a few BIG due dates. I let myself down. But I learned from it. Now I am more organized and I have several calendars telling me when everything is due. I also do NOT wait until the last minute to work on things. I did that far too often last quarter.

I'm so glad I went back to school. I'm so fulfilled with my life right now.

2011-04-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

The vow renewal was .... perfect. I believe the vows we wrote ourselves really mean more then the vows we repeated from a justice of the peace in San Jose, CA, five years ago. The reception was soo fun. Dancing in a wedding dress is actually not easy.

After the wedding I was more tired then I think I have ever been in my entire life. I almost fell asleep while husbandface was undoing the five trillion buttons on the back of my dress. It was not as romantic as I imagined it would be when I purchased the dress.

It was still perfect. Absolutely perfect.

The family vacation that we all took afterwards was wonderful. There were a few hitches. But when vacationing with 16 other people, that is to be expected. Gatlinburg, TN is absolutely beautiful.

2011-03-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

Wedding mix-tape. Took forever because Husbandface and I are opposites. And in LOVE.

Wedding Song - Bob Dylan (duh)
Sea of Love - Tom Waits
Let's Dance - David Bowie
American Girl - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Lovesong - The Cure
Wildflower - Cee Lo Green
D'yer Mak'er - Led Zeppelin
By the Light of a Magical Moon - T. Rex.
Can't help falling in love - Elvis
Girl From the North Country - Bob Dylan & Johnny Cash
Wolf like me - TV on the radio
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
I would die 4 U - Prince
A sorta fairytale - Tori Amos
Today - Smashing Pumpkins

2011-03-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking. In the quiet. When my kids are cuddly. I am sure my parents cuddled with me. I just can't remember it. I remember my dad leaving. And coming back randomly. And just not being there when I needed him. And I needed him so. I remember my mom being locked away in her room with her friends.

Why do I not remember giggles? Or cuddles?

I remember watching the little mermaid over and over. And it was on VHS so I had to beg mom to rewind it. I seem to recall that whenever I did things on my own, and left her alone she was happy. I wanted so much to make her happy. I want so much to have parents who love me.

My dad claims he loves me. He doesn't realize how much his absence hurts. How him not being around for most of my life, feels like he doesn't love me.

Children need their parents to be present. As an adult child I realize this. As a mother I realize this.

I just wish my parents would.

2011-03-15T13:43:00.002-07:00

2011-03-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been choosing yellow more and more. For everything. Clothes, jewelry. Anything. Yellow makes me happy.

and now my blog can make me happy too. :D

2011-03-05T07:51:00.000-08:00

At the end of this month, we will celebrate our 5th anniversary as husband and wife.

Yesterday I went to pick up my wedding dress. I stared at myself and twirled in the bridal shop.

I giggled as Gamma tried to grab shiny things. I played along when Lily said I would be the princess bride.

Everyone should do this. Everyone should dress up and throw themselves a party. Just for existing.

I love us. I love you.

2011-02-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

He doesn't like to talk about his "feelings." But get a few drinks in him, and he is a blubbering lover full of poetry.

He held me close and kissed my head. He looked into my eyes and said, "I really love you, you know that."

I smiled.

"I know I don't always show it, or say it, but you mean a lot to me."

A tear fell down my left cheek. I said, "I love you."

And we sat by the fire holding each other for what seemed like forever.

Oh this man. I love this man. He is everything to me.

2011-02-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Gamma,

Two years ago, the moment I thought I had waited forever for happened. You were born.

Then I blink. And you are two.

You are the smartest two year old in the history of two year olds. You can say about 50 words. You can carry a conversation. You weigh 28lbs. You are GIGANTIC. You are a man's man. You love sports, cars, balls, playing, throwing things across the room and meat.

Today you and your sister went to build-a-bear workshop to celebrate your birthday. You picked out a panda. She picked out a pink dog. I hope you had fun. It was very hard for Mama to chase you and your sister around. But you carrying around your panda and smiling is worth it.

Just now you tried to jump from the couch to the ottoman. You fell on your butt on the floor. And you giggled.

Oh. This third year of your life will be an adventure. And I look forward to it.

2011-02-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

And life goes on.

Tonight we had the best night we've ever had as a family. I want to document it, it went so good.

Eric did his homework without gripping. Husband came home and made dinner. I didn't complain when he asked me to help. We ate dinner with minimal kid mess/spills. I gave the younger two baths. Hubs read them a story while I put some laundry away. I had a cute conversation with eric.

Now I'm in bed. And really. I couldn't be happier.

Sometimes we yell and fight. But not tonight. Sometimes I cry and pout. But not tonight. Sometimes I want to run away. But not tonight. Sometimes I wonder why I had kids. But not tonight.

Tonight I am content with all I have and how we are.

2011-01-26T19:31:00.001-08:00

2011-01-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

2011-01-08T08:53:00.001-08:00

2011-01-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

2011-01-03T13:21:00.001-08:00

2011-01-02T01:30:00.000-08:00

2010-12-31T08:35:00.001-08:00

In 2010 I:

Went back to school.

Had my first white thanksgiving.

Bought a van.

Made some fabulous friends.

Learned so much.

So maybe not as eventful as 2009. But its been a good year. I am looking forward to 2011.

2010-12-28T22:58:00.000-08:00

Today I had a play date for the kids at a friend of mine's house. We were chatting and sharing like girls like to do.

I felt safe enough to admit something I have NEVER EVER EVER told another soul. That I can remember. I And she is getting a degree in psychology and totally great responses. I have had negative experience sharing with other women in the past. She wasn't negative. She was understanding and supportive. I cried. Someone gets it. For once.

I was molested and raped from a very early age. So, I was sexualized.

When I was 10, I molested my baby sitter's little sons. I don't remember the details or how old they were. But I remember making them go in the closet with me. To "play house."

I never ever wanted to admit it. I never wanted to tell anyone. Today for some reason it just came out. I have always felt guilty and ashamed. Why the fuck did I do that?

But in my private journals and in therapy, I have realized it wasn't my fault. I was a child. I didn't know what I was doing. It was so much a part of my life. I was used to it. So I did it.

I have had people say, "Just get over it." How the fuck am I supposed to get over something that changed me forever? Changed who I could of been? Sometimes the memories just pop in my head and I wish they would go away. I don't WANT to dwell on things. But they are there. They happened. They are life. Life is everything. Everything is happening in my head at the same time and I don't know how to stop from crying over how great a person I could have been, if only I was given a normal and loving family. Instead I was given drugs, hate, penises, beatings, tears. Fuck you god, if you do exist. Because if you create all things, why do you create bad things? Why can't it all be rainbows and unicorns? I LOVE RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS.

But here I am. Having gone through so much. And still (pretty much) whole. Able to love and support my kids. No drugs(well, except for zoloft.). No alcohol(except for recreational purposes). Sometimes I yell and cry and don't know what the hell I am doing. But most of the time I am pretty normal.

And that is the Valeta Truth.

2010-12-27T09:11:00.000-08:00

I recently made a new friend who truly inspires me. Sometimes I walk around oblivious to other people. But we all have the secret us inside that no one knows. We all have troubles and hopes and dreams and wants.

This friend has given up everything to be who she really is. And that inspires me.

Am I living the life I should be? Am I who I want to be? Yes. No. I'm working on being who I want to be. Going to school. Making time for myself. I love my life. Sometimes I'm drowning in kids and I forget who I am. I am Valeta. I am not just a mom. I am a woman.

I am important too.

2010-12-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

My daughter is crawling around meowing and pretending to be a cat.

My oldest son has a ghost buster's visor thing on and is walking around finding ghosts.

My baby is in his high chair eating apple slices and saying, "YUM! Apple!"

Oh these kids.

I love them.

2010-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

My first quarter as a college student is over. And I am relieved. And thrilled.

Was so exhilarating to be using my mind instead of wiping butts all day. I love's my kid's butts. But there should be more to life then your children's bowel movements.

And now I feel that there really is.

I welcome the xmas break. But I look forward to my new classes.

2010-11-15T16:09:00.000-08:00

So Husband and I decided 3 children is enough for us.

And I have to keep saying so over and over in my head. Especially on the good days. When all the kids are cuddly and giggly and cute. When nothing goes wrong and I feel happy all day.

I am sure these feelings are normal. They are just so confusing. Logically, I know adding more children to our family would just add more stress and more work.

But.. There is a but.

The 2 week old I met at the mall today with her tiny black curls. The very pregnant ultrasound technician at the doctor's office today. My two friends who were pregnant with me before are pregnant again. And I have those baby thoughts.

You know, the ones. The shiny happy "I wish I was pregnant" thoughts. I saw like 5 pregnant ladies at the mall today. Rubbing their bellies and talking about tiny things. Tiny little toes. Tiny little yawns. Tiny little hats. Nursing a newborn. Rocking a newborn. Tiny diapers.

BUT---- must remember. Endless tears. Nights without sleep. Crying, crying, and crying. I do not need that. I do not need that. I DO NOT NEED That.

*sigh* baby fever.

2010-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Being a mom is not easy. Going to college is not easy. Having a child with ADHD and a preschooler and a toddler is not easy. But I am doing it anyway.

I am loving school. My kids get more fun and cute every single day.

I think I am not splitting the seams with happiness because I do not know HOW to be happy. My life was always chaotic and crazy. Now I find things to be unhappy about. When I should just look around and grin.

And I have so much to grin about. Eric fixing his sister's hair. Gamma's smile in the morning. Lily telling me how much she loves me. Husband's warm arms. My nice warm house. My car. My bathtub. Zombie TV shows. Scented Yarn. Friends. Rain. Trees. Air. Chocolate. Sweaters.

Yeah, I am one lucky beeyatch.

2010-10-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

Lily: "I really want some daddy." (As if daddy were candy or something.)

Lily: "I need diapers for my vagina butt daddy."

Me: "Do you guys want a snack?"

Gamma: "NACK! NACK! NACK!"

Gamma:"Mama! Mama! Ball! Ball! Mama! Mama! Ball!" (while pointing at the moon)

Lily: "Sa-weet."

2010-10-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

For my birthday, a friend got me a skein of Red Hear Eco-cotton. Over the past weekend I started knitting it with size 15 needles.

I made a scarf!

I have tried several times to knit a scarf. I always drop a stitch without noticing and end up with a screwed up project. This time I did not give up.

2010-10-17T20:37:00.000-07:00

While everyone I know is pregnant, I am trying to stop those baby thoughts. While studying, I try to imagine what will be next. While rocking my baby to sleep, I tell him not to grow so fast. While kissing my daughter's tear filled eyes, I try not to remember my own. While watching my 2nd grader strugle, I try not to lecture him on how good he has it.

I try and I try. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lie to myself. Sometimes I ignore the pain. Sometimes I still cry, not really knowing a reason why. Sometimes I just need a hug, but no one is ever there.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I tell her how strong and brave she is. I look around at my life, and I know this is where I belong.

Sometimes you only have yourself, and that really has to be enough.

2010-10-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

When we get to Lily's preschool, the kids immediately recognize it. Lily says, "We're here!" and Gamma yells, "BALL!" He knows where we are. He knows that there will be balls in the grass.

We sign Lily in and head home. I turn on the radio and we sing. And Gamma jabbers the whole way home. We get home and I get him out of the car. I press my lips to his delicious baby cheek and breathe him in.

Oh baby that I never thought I'd have, how I adore you. Je t'aime. Mi amore. How I treasure your hugs.

I can't believe when Lily was his age, I also had a newborn to care for. He takes so much out of me. Every second is worth it. I think about the past two years, and they were hard. But as much of a challenge as it has been, I would not change a thing.

2010-10-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Maybe he is damaged from growing up without a mom. Maybe he is a little quirky. Maybe he is smarter then anyone I have ever met before.

But I love him. I love him still.

This morning I learned over and kissed his cheek. In his sleep he murmured, "I love you." And I know he does.

Sometimes things get in the way. Money, selfish wants, kids. Five years ago we said we'd love each other forever. And I still believe we will.

2010-10-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

My dad keeps singing this song.

2010-09-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

So the only writing I've been doing is for my into to college writing class. Here is my mini-review of the new HBO show Boardwalk.

For this “mini-review” I watched the series premiere of a new HBO show called Boardwalk Empire. It had been sitting on my DVR for over a week, this assignment gave me an excuse to watch it. Basically, the show is set in Atlantic City in 1920 during prohibition. The main character is a man named Nucky Thompson who is based on a real person named Nucky Johnson. He works as the country treasurer but also makes a lot of money in all sorts of illegal activities. There are also two side stories, one about Nucky’s driver named Jimmy and the other a pregnant feminist who is the victim of spousal abuse. Personally, I do not like crime but I found the costuming and characters to be wonderful.
One thing the show has going for it, Steve Buscemi plays Nucky. He is completely the opposite of what the real Nucky Johnson was like. Instead of large and tall, Steve is scrawny and kind of short. But he suits the character. I thought he was excellent. I didn’t think they had to put a graphic sex scene with him included, but it is an HBO show and that is what they are known for.
I didn’t really get Jimmy’s character. He just got discharged from the military and he had a wife and son. He could have gone to college but he wants to be like Nucky instead. After he asks Nucky for help and he refuses, Jimmy meets another driver and they plan to steal some of Nucky’s illegal booze while on route to Atlantic City. He makes a lot of money, but he looses Nucky’s trust and respect. In order to earn Nucky’s trust again he requests $3,000. Jimmy steals from his wife and his mother to make the cash. In my opinion, he should have gone to college instead.
The story line that has attracted me to this show the most is of Mrs. S. She is pregnant with her third child and she hears Nucky speak at a feminist rally. I have three children, so I empathize her situation. Her husband is a drinker and a gambler so she goes to Nucky to ask for employment for her Husband. Nucky just gives her a hand full of money and drives her home. When her husband finds out about it, he takes the money and goes to see Nucky himself. After making some rude comments, Nucky beats his face in. The husband later goes home and beats his wife so severely that she looses her third child and ends up in the hospital.
All in all, I think it will be an entertaining show. I know I will be watching to see what happens to Mrs. S. I don’t really care about Jimmy. Nucky is a very interesting character though. I love the reproduction of life in the 1920s. The way women are treated. The clothes. The cars. It seems that HBO knows what it is doing when it comes to TV shows.

2010-09-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

My first week of school is over. It was great. I've already made a jump start on next week's work too.

Today I am just hanging out with my kids. Preparing for another busy busy week.

Busy is good. Busy makes Sundays feel great.

2010-09-22T06:47:00.001-07:00

Mommy goes to school day 2: success!

I BARELY made it to my class on time because of traffic. But I made it! And it was like a breathe of fresh air. Sure, I should know pre-algebra. But I really need the refresher. And Everything the professor said I understood. A lot of students asked for help. I didn't need it after the lecture. In fact, I've already finished my homework. And I feel great about it.

I am already planning to take more then two classes next quarter.

2010-09-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

Mommy goes to school day 1: success!

Lily went to preschool and had a blast. She cut a triangle! Gamma played and colored while I read and took notes, watched a lecture and did my first assignment. It was just a short mini-autobiography but it was fun. And I have two more short writing assignments to do this week.

I found out I ordered the wrong text book so I am out $30 and I have to buy the correct one for $50. But I have learned a lesson. Just wait until the first day to see what textbooks you really need. The book my professor "suggested" was on my kindle so I went a head and got that too.

All of that plus played battleship with Eric after school and some yummy apple smothered pork chops are on the stove simmering.

All in all. Today was awesome. Probably the most fulfilling day I have ever had.

2010-09-16T07:09:00.001-07:00

It is another Thursday and I am thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful I have my husband's lips to come home to after craft group. Thankful that when I get to go out without the kids, they are always excited when I come home. "Mommy! Yay! Mommy's home!"

Thankful we can afford for me to go to college. Thankful, blessed. Lucky. All of these things I am. And I just want to hug everyone I meet because of them.

2010-09-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

2010-09-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

One day during the summer we were out front talking to the neighbor kids and one of the girls had to leave to go to dance class. Ever since Lily witnessed that she has begged to go to dance class. She wants to be a ballerina! She loves to dance! There is a little dance school very close to our house and they have a class for 3-6 year olds. It is called "creative movement."

I register and take her to a store called "Petticoat Junction" to buy her ballet outfit. Little pink tights, black leotard and pink leather shoes. Little pink skirts are optional, but of course we get one. She is so cute in her dance clothes I want to squish her.

I'm not allowed to stay and watch dance class. So for her first class I walk her in and show her where to sit and head home. On the way home I am so excited. I am in a hurry to catch Husbandface before he leaves for work to tell him about the cuteness.

I get home and get out of the car. In a hurry, I SLAM my right index finger in the car door, scraping skin off of it.

I run inside and yell, "Kevin!" He gives me his annoyed sigh and says "what?" I run to the sink to rinse off my finger. It hurts. I start to feel funny. Next thing I know I sit up off the floor and yell, "Where am I?"

I fainted. I drove home from my daughter's first ballet class and I slammed my finger in the car door and I fainted. Husbandface hugs me. I calm down. Husbandface wraps my finger up and gives me some water.

I sit on the couch until it is time to pick her up from class. I pick her up from her first ballet class with my right index finger wrapped in bandages but smiling. She loved it. She had fun! That is all that matters.

2010-09-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my classes haven't even started yet and I already feel dumb. I was told by the advisor to check on September 7th for the books I will need for my classes. So I figure out how to log onto the school's website. I look up my schedule and nothing about books. I look up each class individually and nothing about books. I feel dumb.

Finally my dad suggests I ask the school books store. So I go to their online store and put in my classes and there are the books. Yay. I order them. $60 for two textbooks.

This is real. I am anxious and nervous and excited all at the same time.

2010-08-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

So I changed the blog up. Again. I likes it. It looks like me holding Gamma. Which, if I am home, is what I am doing most of the time these days. He wants to be held and hugged and loved. And I embrace it. He loves me. I love him. Mother and child love. Awww.

Eric starts 2nd grade tomorrow. I start college on the 20th. Lily starts Dance next week. Eric has already started Karate.

Life is getting so busy busy.

pretend

2010-08-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

She walks over to me and says, "Will you play pretend with me? I will be the Mama and you can be Lily." I agree and follow her to her bedroom.
She tells me to sit down, and I do. She gets her toy tea set out and I pour us pretend tea. She feeds her carebears tea with the yellow teaspoons. She tells me things about them. One bear played outside and needs a bath. Another is sad because it needs a nap.

I stare at her and smile. My daughter. So lovely and smart. Wants to pretend to be me. And I love her more then ever.

2010-08-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

So for my 26th birthday, Husbandface and I went to an awesome dueling piano bar. It was fun and funny. We had ice cream made to look like a baked potato. I had a lot of fancy cocktails.

Then somewhere along the night I got an extremely high fever. I woke up on the day of Lily's birthday party feeling like death. My right breast felt like someone had kicked its ass. I was shaky and weak. But I took some tylenol and kept on truckin'.

We had an awesome party. Everyone had fun and was happy. Lily and I were spoiled beyond belief. I have great friends. She has great friends. Yay.

After the party I felt soooo tired. And my lower back started to ache. I tried to keep a straight face and just deal with the pain. But as the night wore on it got worse and worse. I didn't sleep for more then 15 minutes at a time. I kept waking up in pain. Then I was nauseous and shaky and fever-y. I kept on taking tylenol every 4 hours or so.

By morning I was miserable. I couldn't get Husband to wake up. I needed something other then tylenol, it just wasn't doing the trick. I tried to wake my dad up, but he had had a littl but too much to drink the night before. So I waited. In pain. I sat on the couch miserably. The kids played with all of Lily's new toys happily. I was greatful for that.

Then finally I got Husband to wake up and take me to urgent care. I got dad to watch the kids so we didn't have to take them.

I used the google maps app on my droid to find the closest urgent care. We drove for 20 mintutes, all while I am in pain and nauseous and feeling like I am going to die, to find a not completed building. And a sign that said "The future site of Evergreen urgent care." Why the hell is it already on google maps with ratings if it is not yet completed.

So then I was so miserable, I cried. Husband drove me to the emergency room. They took me right into triage and did all the stuff they always do. Then they took me back to see a doctor.

Apparently I had mastitis and a sprained back. It hurt. A lot. I was thinking 9 out of 10. I could barely move. They gave me an IV for fliuds and morphine, zofran and antibiotics. I had never had morphine before. At first I felt funny. But then I felt like I was flying. And it eased the pain. The pain did not go completely away. But it helped. I wanted to kiss my nurse. His name was Kendall. And he was the best nurse in the history of nurses.

So I spent all day in the ER while they tested my blood and urine and gave me fluids. It wasn't fun. But the morphine worked.

They sent me home with vicodin for the pain and antibiotics for the mastitis.

In conclusion - I think it is time to stop nursing Gamma. haha. He still wants to nurse several times a day. If this post doesn't make entire sense, its probably the vicodin. When I am feeling better I will have to write about Lily's princess ladybug birthday party, it was awesome.

2010-08-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Valeta,

Today you turn 26 years old. You will not feel or look any older. But the first quarter of your life is over. You will wake up and realize how blessed you are. Really freaking blessed. And you will stop whining about how everything sucks. Sometimes, things suck for everyone. You get to have an awesome life and you need to start being thankful for it, damn you.

Tonight you will go out with your husband and you WILL have a good time. Unlike the five previous birthdays you have celebrated with Husbandface. You WILL NOT come home early. You will drink and eat and laugh and love.

You will hug your youngest babies and miss your oldest baby all day. The house is being cleaning right now. By someone who is not you.

I love you.

V

2010-08-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

In a few short days, the only baby I ever planned will be three years old. My butterfly ladybug princess. Three is such a fun age. Imagination, saying funny things. Testing boundaries.

Having a daughter, has become so much fun. The deep dark cloud that was her babyhood has past. We communicate. And she is so cute. Everyday is an adventure. And the unending laughs, are great.

Her face is always dirty and her hair is always a mess and yet nothing could be more beautiful to me. She carries random things around and they are special to her. Yesterday it was a broken triangle and an unsharpened purple colored pencil. Today it seems to be bug spray and a fairy wand. Oh I love her.

2010-07-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

So I'm not so alone. Thanks.

Just found out on Monday that I am allergic to grass. Which is awesome. Because I live in Grassville, USA. I have three different kinds of medications and I am supposed to wash my hands and face every time I come indoors. Because I have all this time to wash everything all day.

At least now I'm not sneezing and I can breathe.

Gamma said, "YAY!" yesterday. It totally made my day. He hasn't said it since. But it was awesome.

2010-07-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of sick of blogs. I used to care. What happened to that person and that one's baby and blah blah blah. But I am just sick of hearing about people who have awesome families whine. Oh waaah I only have two parents who visit me and watch the baby so I can poop. Oh woe is the Bitch whose sister gets to spend all summer with her to take care of ONE BRAND NEW BABY. I would give a toe to have a sister. Or a cousin. Or anyone to care about me.

People wonder why I complain and why I am such a bitch. Its because I HAVE NO ONE BUT MYSELF. LITERALLY. My husband doesn't want to renew our vows because of money. He would rather me go to school. Which logically, I agree with. Emotionally, it feels like he doesn't love me. He doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't want to have sex with me. Like every. I have a high sex drive so this is a problem.

My best friend treated me like shit at her wedding. And at her house. My mom is a bald drug addict. None of my Washington friend's can hang out because THEY ARE OFF DOING THINGS WITH THEIR FAMILIES.

Can someone adopt me? I want a family. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to be silly and laugh and joke and cook with.

I am literally crying. I want somebody. Anybody.

If people who have tons of support can't figure out how to be grown ups, how the hell am I supposed to figure this out with no one but a couple of babies?

2010-07-16T08:34:00.001-07:00

I thought I would get so much done when it was summer and I had extra time. But we spend our days napping and playing and just having fun. Then we have our playgroup and potty training.

Lily is almost continually in a monologue of whatever is going on. Gamma is learning words and just a joy when he is not teething. The giggles and friendship of brother and sister are great. I love them.

I am currently planning a wedding. Husbaandface and I are renewing our vows. I'm so excited.

2010-07-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Nothing like being away from home and seeing the places you grew up to make you appreciate what you have. Sometimes I'm a spoiled brat who forgets. Other people go hungry. Some people live in Phoenix, Arizona and don't have air conditioning.

I also forgot just how hot it is there. I was sweaty in places that people should not be sweaty in.

I took my kids to spend the day with my mom, their Grandma. She didn't have any milk, juice or fruit. She didn't have a full size fridge. Her house was filthy. So I bought her groceries and cleaned the whole time we were at her house. My mom and my step-dad played all day with the kids. The kids didn't care about the mess or the lack of anything. They just loved being played with. Time is the most important thing you can give to your children.

I sat there scrubbing counters, doing a mountain of dishes I had not used, remembering. This is how I grew up. Cockroaches, kool-aid, dirt, dog shit. No wonder I am filthy in all of my pictures. How freaking lucky are my kids? They get a full time mom. I never had that. Mom and Dad had to work. They get clean sheets and no bugs and all the milk they could ever want. (They drink a lot of milk.)

I admit, my house is never completely spic and span. Three messy kids + one mom = kids win. But compared to the crap I grew up in, my house is spotless.

Sometimes I am so bored and I feel so unimportant. But I have the most important job in the world. I am a mom. A stay at home, mom.

2010-06-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

I really hate when the kids are tired and cranky and everyone stares at me like its my fault. When you drag kids around all day, they are going to be tired and cranky. And people make rude comments about my kids. Mind your own fucking business, why dontcha?

Or when my teething 16 month old is drooling like a fountain and someone says out loud, "Can you wipe his mouth please?" Its not going to stop pouring out of his mouth, wiping wont help.

My kids are not a burden. They are kids. I love them. They drive me crazy and stress me out. But they are awesome little creative dancing souls. They are who they are and I love that.

People who have never had kids of their own should not have any reason to judge what I do or say to my kids. They should not expect my kids to sit and be good allllll day. They are two and one. They have a lot of energy. They need to play.

2010-06-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

As a child, I remember playing outside, in the summer, after dark. It was warm. During the day, it is much too hot to so anything besides play in water or sit in an air conditioned room. Ahhh, the need for air conditioning. Seems laughable now. I had to wear a sweater this morning to walk Eric to his last day of school.

Here in Washington, after weeks and weeks of rain and no spring like weather in sight, I am dreaming of those Arizona summer nights. The red lights on South Mountain at night. The purple, orange and red sunsets. Cactus and lizards. Lawns full of nothing but rocks. Freezing a gallon of water to bring to the skate park. You drink it as it melts.

Wearing short shots and spaghetti straps with flip flops. And wanting to be able to take more clothing off because you are so effing hot.

I cannot wait. To be hot.

2010-06-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

I've got ten minutes before it's time to pick up Eric. Then I have to run the the post office and mail my second broken droid in a month to Motorolla for repair. With three children in tow. Then I have to drive half an hour to return something a friend left at my house the other day. I need to pack for FOUR PEOPLE for two weeks in Arizona, only I forget what warm weather is like so I probably will do that wrong too.

Busy, busy, busy.

I have this thing called a blog and nothing witty or interesting to say on it. Just complaints about things some people would love to have to deal with.

I just ate my last soft pepermint puff. They were delicious.

I bought this to use on our trip.

I love you.

silly lily

2010-06-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

2010-06-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

I've had a bad day. I'm feeling depressed and sorry for myself. Oh whoa is me!

He comes home. He catches my eye with his smile. I turn from him to continue what I was doing. He comes up behind me and wraps his big (to me) strong (to me) arms around me. He embraces me. He asks me how my day was.

My first instinct is to always push him away. Something deep within me, falls back from intimacy. But we've been married four years so I fall into his embrace. I tell him how my day went. We talk about it.

I don't feel so alone. He really is there for me.

Then the moment is gone and he is off playing with the kids while I continue preparing our evening meal.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

2010-06-03T06:36:00.001-07:00

I have learned to like myself. I don't think there was ever a point in my life before where I did. When you grow up thinking you have no one in the world, you hate yourself. You believe you are not worth anything. But now I realize, I am. I am funny and creative. I care deeply about my family and friends.

But of course, not everyone agrees. Not everyone likes me. And thats okay. I have found myself following in my own footsteps trying to be friends with people who honestly don't like me. Just like a puppy who licks its owner even after it gets kicked by it. I would try really hard to be friends with people who have proven then don't really like me.

I deserve better then that. I deserve friends who like me. I am not going to waste my time on people who are just going to judge me or decide they know what I should do in my life better then I do. Friends should give advice and accept whatever decision you make. Friends should accept you for who you are.

And I am a person. A real person. A whole person. I deserve whole friends.

2010-05-24T09:33:00.001-07:00

For two weeks all three kids have slept all night. Until at least 6 am. No midnight visits. And I feel great. And the kids are happy. And I have nothing to complain about.

My garden is growing wonderfully. It makes me happy.

I made my first sale on etsy! An adorable elvish baby hat. So I have been working on all kinds of crafts. I feel so productive.

And I finally have a system for keeping the house clean that actually works. Its called staying off the internet, lol.

I guess blogs are must more interesting when life sucks. My life, it doesn't suck. It is pretty much as good as life can get.

2010-05-17T13:22:00.001-07:00

My daughter has a new nickname: Hurricane Lily. She is like a whirlwind with messy hair and crayons in her hands. Stomping around. Destroying things.

We went to visit friends over the weekend and she destroyed some of their plants. I feel awful about it. But she is only two. And we told her not to do it. She did anyway. You REALLY have to watch her. I need like 10 more eyes. Then I will catch her. Little sneaking smart girl. :D

My Gamma dances and jumps and laughs and plays hide and seek.

My Eric well, he cut all the fingers off his gloves because "They look cooler this way mom." And I guess I am already too old to know what is cool. At the ripe old age of 25. *sigh*

2010-05-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

"Hi honey! I have something to show you!"

"DID YOU move the grill back? Did you move the grill back?"

.............."yeah."

"You can't push the grill back you'll burn down the house!"

"Gee. Nice to see you too."

2010-05-12T06:39:00.001-07:00

While they are sitting in the backseat:

"Lily, you're not cool. Quit touching me!!"

"but I'm pretty!"

While I'm doing the dishes:

"Gammy don't touch my chalk!"

"meh! mom! meh! ugh! ugh! mom! mom!"

When I've just woken up:

"Do you want to know something terrifying?"

"sure"

"I forgot to turn in my home work!"

2010-05-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

So lately, I have transformed the office in our house into a craft room. Before that it was where Husband put all his cds. So I have been making all sorts of things. I'm very proud of myself and feel acomplished.

I have decided to open my own etsy shop. Here is the link : http://www.etsy.com/shop/valetabrown

Even if I never sell a thing. This has been so much fun! Hehe.

2010-04-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

The terrible twos really are terrible. Especially this time around. With Eric he threw fits and got into some things. But he never climbed. And he never cried over everything the way Lily does. She gets her feelings hurt and cries. Then it breaks my heart.

But she really is such a drama queen. She can't find her cup she had a minute ago. Woe is her! Tears and a thrown carebear. Sometimes she has taken to laying on the floor and crying over not getting what she wants.

I am trying my best to be patient. For discipline,I am using the "love and logic" approach. I say "ut-oh" when she misbehaves and send her to her room. After she calms down she stays in her room for 3 minutes.

So the other day I had to take Eric to the dentist in the morning, so I left the babies with husband. Well Lily crept down stairs. Smashed 6 eggs on the ground. Found a bag of cashews and got them all over the pantry floor. Husband came down stairs. Looked at the mess, looked at Lily and she said, "Go to my room?"

I can't help but laugh at husband. This is the kind of stuff I deal with every day.

2010-04-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt the need to share all the silly little details of my life anymore, internet. I still like to write funny things the kids do or say. Or maybe I am just so busy with all my other hobbies that blogging isn't high on the priority list. I still love you, internet.

I have been crafting like crazy and hanging out with my new friends. Trying to teach Eric to ride his first without-training-wheels bike. Trying to keep Lily out of the flour. (Seriously she has knocked the giant glass jar I keep the all-purpose flour in the pantry over like 4 times, getting flour EVERYWHERE! Its a nightmare!)And playing with Gamma.

Yesterday Eric was outside with the neighborhood kids, Lily went grocery shopping with Husbandface. So me and Gamma had some mama baby time. We danced. We laughed. I cleaned and he ate bananas. I looked down at his baby face and teared up. Its going by too fast. Soon he will be a curious preschooler.

This morning Lily was up early because she had a nightmare. She speaks so clearly now. I am amazed at how well she communicates. Eric at her age was just so high energy he never took the time to tell me anything. Lily tells stories. She tells us exactly what she feels, what she wants. I am so proud of the smart little girl she is becoming. She is so brave. When I was her age I was very shy and not social. She runs up to new kids and says, "Lets be friends!" I was the kind of kid who cowered between mommy's legs. Not my girl. She is always finding something to get in to.

Happy Monday.

2010-04-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

So last month I started a playgroup hoping to have a hobby to fill my time and to make friends. And the past week has been filled with play group drama.

I just don't get some people. Its like they don't want to have friends. They don't want other people around. I try to make everyone in the group happy but I end up hurting myself because I lose other members. Blah! Drama = stupid.

Also, I hate having people mad at me. It is such an irrational thing. I shouldn't really care. But I just hate that someone is in their home being angry at me. Heh.

Aside from the grown ups having drama. The kids have LOVED the play group. They have made friends. Lily asks to go "check on friends" every day. It is SO cute.

I only hope I haven't ruined some of her friendships with the drama.

7 years

2010-04-13T07:50:00.001-07:00

The day you were born smelled like witch hazel, blood, plastic and johnson's baby wash. The day you were born felt new, exciting, amazing, fast. I changed forever that day. I learned so much.

Everyday with a son like you is an adventure. And everyday I am still learning from you.

Happy Birthday Eric David. Happy seven years of life.

2010-03-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

2010-03-29T05:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Husbandface,

As of today we have been married for four years. When we first met and decided to move off into the sunset together, I honestly thought it would be all rainbows and butterflies and sugar and cotton candy. It hasn't always been sweet. But a lot of it has been. And the sweetness makes everything else worth going through.

You could have chosen someone smarter. Someone much prettier. But you chose me. You chose me to marry and create babies with. And that right there makes me feel special. Plus we have really cute babies.

For our anniversary you gave me the best present you could have ever given me. You built me a raised garden. You built it with your own hands. And some wood and screws and dirt. I love it.

I love you.

2010-03-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

Lily walks over to me and says, "I need my diapey changed." I lay her on the pink changing pad. I am immediately flashed back to the time in third grade when I was sent to school in pink sweat pants and a diaper. I still wore diapers to bed in third grade because I wet the bed every night. My class mates found out. And they made fun of me.

Raising children brings so much of the child in me back. Every day little nothing things happen and I am taken back to a memory. Sometimes they are good memories. More often though, they are humiliating.

Lily is two and she asks to have her diaper change. I know in third grade I used to get myself dressed, make cereal and walk myself to school on most days. My mom worked nights so she was always asleep during the morning. I don't know how I ended up at school in a diaper and my pajamas. But I remember how embarrassed I was for being teased about it for the rest of the year.

As a mother, I wish I could protect my children from little traumas they will inevitably go through. I wish I could go back and protect little me. But this is life. Things happen. Things shape us into the people we are and will become.

I have a lot of anxiety about potty training my daughter. I have sat her on the potty. Read potty books. Talked a lot about the potty. I just want it to be a positive experience for her. My precious sweet fire-cracker messy haired lightning bug.

2010-03-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent an hour sweeping then mopping the floor. Lily spilled salt all over it an hour later.

I spent half an hour cleaning out the fridge. Little did I know that Gamma was behind me taking everything I threw away out of the trash. He found a paper towel covered in cleaned up butter that has spilled to the bottom of the fridge.

My kids just hate it when the house is clean. Maybe I should just let it stay messy.

My Husband would never be okay with that. On a daily basis I hear why didn't I clean this right or that or do this or that.

Blah.

On another note. My kids are loving the dirtiness of our garden.

2010-03-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago we picked out a beautiful teal color to paint our master bedroom. This past weekend we set aside to paint.

But Husband is a perfectionist. He barely let me and Eric help. In the end he did most of the work because it is not fun painting with someone looking over your shoulder telling you not to do it like that.

When the babies were napping and we all three were painting. It was so much fun. I feel like we all bonded over paint and mess and brushes. Eric painted a square on one of our walls. I used to roller thingy.

Now we have a "venus teal" bedroom. We put our bed back together last night. And when I laid down, I felt like it was "ours." It wasn't the same beige toupe that our whole house is painted in. It was our color. Ours.

Sometimes, I can't believe this is my life. Do I really live in this house? Are these cute kids really mine?

They are. It is.

2010-03-19T18:26:00.001-07:00

I'm loving the longer warmer days. I spent yesterday afternoon blowing bubbles while my children chased them and giggled. Today we took sidewalk chalk and drew roads all over the cement in the back of our house and then drove our toy cars all over them. Even the baby made sound effects.

This past week I have spent a lot of time crocheting and knitting instead of thinking of something to blog about. I have been happy. I don't know why. Just enjoying the cuddles and giggles and sunlight and life.

2010-03-16T10:54:00.001-07:00

So everyday, I try to teach Lily things. You could say we are doing home school preschool. I still plan on sending her to preschool next year but she loves learning activities. And what better way to fill our day then to learn?

Some of my favorite things to do are starfall.com, tlsbooks.com, and wikipedia (of course). There is just so much to learn! She loves watching the letter thingies on starfall. She asks for them everyday. We also color all the time.

We also watch signing time and kid's love spanish. We love learning new words in other languages. I get the dvds from the library and we watch them and practice the words together. Eric also learns these things with us. I know its almost taboo to let your children watch TV, but I feel like some shows are really educational and worth it.

Some days are so stressful we don't get around to learning. But most days we do. And we have a great time.